Oliver's health has changed.
Our summer has changed.
Our perspectives have changed.
Our priorities have changed.
Our day to day lives have changed.
Our futures have changed.
The rest of our lives' course has changed.
There is nothing that has been untouched by this constant force of a word. Even when we didn't want it or expect it. Even when we still resist. Meaning, things that NEED to change going forward.
Better care for ourselves to change, so that we operate at optimum health.
Aligning our lives and our goals to change to reflect what we have learned really matters.
Allowing the course of our lives to shift directions.
These are the hard ones. It takes no small amount of courage. It's easy to get stuck in just falling back to things as they "used to be." And forgetting all the valuable lessons learned along the way. Almost as if: you catch a glimpse of how life COULD be, how it could change for the better, and you gain all of these new perspectives in an experience like this, but then you allow your life just to fall back and continue on when the experience is not so raw and real. Because it is SCARY to change.
The courage part is the hard part.
I heard this song today and it resonated with me because I have been thinking a lot about this word, and how not to let this shift we are experiencing just dwindle once we are not in the throes of all of this:
I'm walking uphill both ways, it hurts
I bury my heart here in this dirt
I hope it's a seed, I hope it works
I need to grow, here I could be
Closer to light, closer to me
I don't have to do this perfectly
See, I let the light in the darkest places
Let the sun shine, pain goes away
Nothing is permanent for me
Flowers they bloom and fade away
The beauty, it happened inside of me
Even if it's a memory
Rain it pours, rain it pours
It's pouring on me
The rain it falls, rain it falls
Sowing the seeds of love and hope, love and hope
We don't have to stay, stuck in the way
Have I the courage of change?
Have I the courage of change?
Have I the courage of change today?
-Pink, Courage
I truly believe that experiences like this can be, and typically are, life changing. And while it utterly sucks to live through it, not everyone is blessed to get this chance to take it for the good and the opportunity to change the course of their lives. I believe there are a myriad of lessons in it that any one of us can grab on to and learn from and CHANGE from. Purely just the health standpoint: eliminating toxins so that, hopefully, we also eliminate our chances for cancer, and our loved ones' chances of cancer. This also includes: toxic lifestyles, toxic relationships, toxic food, etc. It expands to perspectives in our lives as a whole.
Maybe, just maybe, what we've gotten so used to on the daily is not where we should be- jobs, relationships, where we live, whatever the case. Like the wake up call of LIFE IS SHORT. Grab it by the balls and spend the days in ways in which are meaningful to YOU. Have a job that ignites passion, even if it might not pay you accordingly- then change your lifestyle or where you live! Have a relationship partner that does the same, and who fulfills you and encourages you to reach your goals. Eat foods that heal you. Move your body. Surround yourself by as big or as small of tribe as you need, but make damn sure those people are your warriors and love you for you, even the most flawed parts of you. You don't have time for the imposters. Eliminate anything and everything in your life that doesn't bring you joy. Speak your truth, loudly and boldly, without being an asshole. Live in a place that makes your heart happy. Don't just do something you've always done because it's easy. Grab it by the balls and manually SHIFT THE HELL OUT OF IT.
It's scary as shit. I am currently looking at my life and going...whoa. I have some work to do. And, after all of this, we don't end up the same people as we once were. And when we do get to the other side, we realize that is ok. That it is actually BETTER. And we wonder all along why we were so scared to take the jump to begin with, and why it took such a big deal THING (like cancer) to open our eyes. We can't make everyone change, and the hope is that all of those directly impacted by this WILL change. I mean, what better chance than an eye opening experience? But some around us may not change. Again, it's easier to do the same old. The cool thing about this is this: all you can control is yourself. And what a great opportunity for those of us that grasp that, and refuse to go back to the same old way things were in the before.
Day 42: started off with a few texts between Colleen and I to see how our guy did during the night. Sounds like he woke up just feeling like total crap. One new symptom that he has started to notice (which is actually quite common) is a change in his taste buds. Nothing really sounds good to eat, and even water tastes gross. So, he's been drinking a lot of tea, as that is more tolerable. His temperature is at least great and steady, but he just feels super nauseous, and way more so than in the round 1 recovery week. It is likely just the build up of chemo in his body, but he has expressed concern for round 3 which is understandable. We may have made a small comment regarding changes to be made (in line with the above) so that he never has to go through this again. At this point the focus is just to get through chemo, but we know long term we'll get to that conversation.
Colleen was able to get some THC in him to allow him to rest more comfortably. The gut/stomach/overall nausea is the worst part right now. He's at about a consistent 5-7. Not awful, but also not like the 2's from last rounds' recovery week.
Things were pretty quiet on this side of the mountains today. I opted to work from home because Justin was taking the kids, and I figured it was a good opportunity to just crank through some stuff. I wanted to go in just to see people but my to-do list begged for the pure crank. So, that is what I did. Luckily, it turned in to somewhat of a sunny day- so conference calls in the sun, for the win!
Later in the afternoon, the kids got home with Justin. Owen showing me he sported his sock gloves the entire shopping trip.
And Bennett with his now tribe of beanie babies (I got him the tie die one as a get well gift) + hospital gown + sling. By the way- I may have to raid a hospital to get more gowns because he refuses to take this one off.... I basically force him to wash it. He only looks slightly ridiculous (most cute, and it mostly makes me crack up).
And then there were THREE! Our neighbor, Carol (hi Carol!) was so incredibly nice to give him yet another purple beanie baby (Owen also got one from her). So adorbs.
This evening, I was working a bit more while the kids went outside to play with Justin. I was witnessing Bennett's pure stubbornness as he attempted to put his socks and shoes on by himself with out any help, and with one dinosaur type of arm (stuck to his side). Kid is SO stubborn (and also how he ended up with a broken collarbone....)
I also was noticing how we can now see his bone start to heal- nice little bump coming up which probably means it is not healing straight. Anxious to know what the pediatric ortho surgeon says tomorrow. And hoping for NO surgery!
Bennett in his full attire: is this not the cutest guy/outfit ever? HA! I love it. And, he got his shoes on. Broken bones aren't no thing for this guy.
Back in Wenatchee, we heard that Oliver was feeling much better. Colleen tried a different strain of weed that seemed to help. And she also said his temperature was fine all day. Yes! Thank goodness for that, at least.
He was also finally able to get on his phone and eat some as well, which is even better.
Look at this #oliverstrong support all the way from Missouri. Love it!
I also ran in to this yesterday, which made me pause when I saw it. It totally corresponds to everything that I said about change above. And so, we continue to march onward, knowing this and trying to embrace everything that this means. #oliverstrong.
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