Day 35: July 11, 2019

It seems like that period of time when you just feel like the world is either trying to teach you a lesson or pissed off at you. I mean: I puked my guts out (something I have not done in 25+ years). I fainted (something I have not done in 13+ years, which true story: is how I ended up in Seattle....fainted at a hotel outside of SeaTac because I couldn't get home to Phoenix during an epic 2006 windstorm in Seattle, and ended up courting my paramedic that rescued me who just so happened to live in Seattle, and voila, here I am!) To add to the list in the wee hours of the morning (day 36 if we are being super technical), EARTHQUAKE! 2:50am, and we felt the house shaking and clanging.... similar to the time when we heard a massive evergreen falling, and we both sat straight up. Justin said "what was that?" "Earthquake FOR SURE." We both were listening for trees to come down. It felt like a big one. Turns out it was 4.7. Big enough to scare the beejebus out of you at 3am. And try explaining to your 6 year old who also woke up from it what an earthquake is at 3am.


So yeah, just... odd stuff happening lately. The cherry on top that continues is the 22 year old kid of yours with cancer.


Things are just...weird. Off. Not right in the world right now.


I think we have to try to lean towards the side of what can we learn from this and find the positive elements in it all. While I'm still trying to process the hell out of the fact that my mind allowed me to faint and THEN puke, and I could have been seriously injured, at LEAST my husband was there to help me. At least I didn't get hurt. Although I am trying to not have a panic attack about what if that happens again. Like what if I am just in the middle of an office or driving and just pass out and puke everywhere? Or what if I'm traveling for work and by myself in a hotel room? I know, irrational as look at the timeline where either of those has happened (once in 25 years, and 13 years), but still... cue slight panic as I had ZERO control. And the earthquake didn't cause damage. Didn't cause trees to fall. If nothing else was a sign that we should be thinking about what to do to prepare if there is a larger one. Perhaps we should stock up on water, and supplies. Revisit our emergency family plan. Just in case.


And of course, with Oliver, I have been writing about and seeing the positives for 35 days. They are all over if we choose to look. It would be easy to dwell on the fact that, well, shit our kid has cancer, and all of the negatives that come with that. And for sure there has been some of that. I mean in contrast, who in their right mind would EVER wish a loved one to have cancer? Can you ever imagine thinking that, gosh, a dream would be to have my spouse, parent, let alone KID have cancer? What kind of sick individual would ever think that?


 But, when it happens, you have to find the positives. I didn't get hurt from puking or fainting. In fact, I DID puke, and didn't die. (Shocking!) The earthquake didn't hurt any one. We are safe. Oliver does, in fact have cancer, but look at where that has brought us. We have a more extended family. We have talked to Oliver more in the past 35 days than we have in the past 3 years. We are able to care for him. We are able to share our story, so that hopefully our story will help others who may feel alone in a similar battle.


Last night I read "Alexander's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day" to Bennett before bed. Funny enough, I was thinking about that this morning. The last sentence of the book is that this kids mom says some days are just like that (terrible, horrible, no good, very bad)… even in Australia (where this kid thought everything would be perfect). There is, in fact, no such thing as perfect, but even in the imperfect, not super good, terrible, horrible, no good, very bad stuff, I have to believe there is always a positive if we are willing to look for it and to find it.

First up for the day: playing cars in the hallway! After a wake up call from this guy at....6am. Gah!

Oliver had another good night's sleep. He seems to be recovering a little bit slower this round, in terms of, he's at a pretty consistent "7." Not great. But, it is round 2 and so he has now two rounds of chemo in him, so it is not exactly expected that he will be at a 1-4 right now. However, I think Oliver kind of expects that he should be, but that's not really reality. He even said: I don't feel worse, I just don't feel better and I'm getting tired of feeling like crap. We can at least keep him at a comfortable 7 with THC, Ativan, and Zofran, which appears to be his magic cocktail. We have also found that he responds better to the THC edibles vs the tinctures. Late morning, he had some fun with snap chat filters.... he actually looks pretty bad ass with his bald head! Maybe he'll rock it after all this is over. As Justin says, cheap hair cuts!

Justin was still kind of recovering yesterday, but I would say we were both a MILLION times better than the day before. I felt 100% and Justin was probably 90%. Yay for 24 hour bugs. Oliver and Colleen remain unscathed so double yay for that!

Justin's aunt came by midday to drop off her dog for a few days (who we are watching while she travels), and Bennett wanted to show off his dinosaur costume.

….and he also made a new friend in Annie! Annie is pretty freaked out without her mom here, which is kind of sad. She needs some doggy pot.

All of us also decided to go on a walk/bike ride around lunch time. It was a fun time! And I know Oliver appreciated the total solitude of the house.

The boys and I found a new trail that had been blazed, and man it was steep! The boys had fun sliding down on it on their butts. Hilarious.

We also showed Colleen the big rock. More fun on that today!

  Bennett also worked on riding up our driveway all day to show me that he could do it, and just crank up it. He totally did it without issue! Our grade is probably 10% or so, so this was pretty commendable effort for a little guy with no gears on this bike.

Oliver was feeling well enough again to play his switch. Still not awesome, but better than a 9. Again, a consistent 7.

 Today was also round 2 of shots! Oliver said, "Ok, felt that one more today." Ha. We are happy right now as in round 1, we had already landed in the ER 3 times vs the 1 time this round... so progress there. If that's what the shots solve, then done!

This evening Oliver made the comment, shoot, if y'all haven't proven your love by this point, I don't know what love is. So sweet, and of course, so true. THAT IS WHAT YOU DO. We would do this for any one in our family, as you would do for anyone you love. It is all about... being present, taking care, seeing someone at their absolute worst. Kind of like how Justin just took care of me at my absolute lowest the other night, and I wouldn't have wanted anyone BUT my spouse there with me. I mean, I knew he loved me and then I REALLY knew he loved me to clean up all that barf and hold me and take care of me like he did. Kind of like Oliver who is witnessing and acknowledging the past 35 days with him in this fight. Like I said, even in the worst of times, you can see the positives- and one of those is: you can see without fail who is there for you and who loves you unconditionally. #oliverstrong