But sometimes, as in Oliver's case, it revolts to the extreme and does not act in a manner that is what is supposed to happen....welcome, cancer cells. AND YOU HAVE NO CONTROL. And, sometimes, no idea.
Thinking of how alarming it was that I had zero control of my body that night, I have been pondering the last couple of days even further about how it must feel to Oliver to have cancer that has spread pretty aggressively throughout his body and have zero control over it. Talk about feeling betrayed by the one thing that's been with you your whole life. Despite even your best intentions! I think as people we tend to think, what could we have done differently to prevent it?
Based on all of the cancer books I've been reading, there actually may be a fair amount of stuff we could do and cancer cells actually ARE a normal response by your body to fight bad stuff, but regardless, there's some element of even DESPITE that, even if you follow the directions to a T, you still just don't know. There is SO much that has to go in to it to find that you are doing all the right stuff....diet (which is a million different notches of stuff to do), exercise, mental wellness, relationship health, sunlight, etc. etc. And even then, we've all heard of the crazy psycho healthy person who got some horrific cancer or illness at a young age and the 100 year old person who took shite care of him/herself and lived to a very old age without issue. So, it doesn't always seem to follow the rules.
I haven't talked to Oliver about this, and get the feeling that he is a bit more chill about it. Meaning, he kind of accepts it as it is and doesn't get too wound up in the what ifs. He doesn't seem to see it as a complete betrayal of his body. I think back to when I was 22 and probably would have been similar. It's more of a "I have this illness, we are treating it, then back to life as normal." It's kind of hard to read Oliver and what he's really thinking, but that's the impression I get. However, I can't help but think that after going through such an extensive and aggressive treatment, you might err on the side of caution. That EVEN THOUGH you are hopefully cleared, you start to follow the "rules" more, or maybe rules is not the right word but the steps. Take them and ask, what best sets me up for success? I suspect this is going to be a conversation down the road, and Oliver has eluded to wanting to take better care going forward.
All of that said, it's just an intriguing and a humbling thought to realize that as much control as we think we have, we ultimately have very little. Things can change in an instant. It's so cliché to say, we just don't know from day to day and minute to minute, and you just have to treasure the NOW. And not only the fact that it is cliche, but it's hard to practice sometimes. We all get so wound up in our day to day lives, that we forget that this minute right now could be an opportunity to live life to its fullest. It's something that I think we could all learn to do better and something that I am personally trying to do a better job living out myself. I think sometimes by NOT doing this and by just focusing on the day to day, we are able to convince ourselves we have control, things are running smoothly, etc etc... but that's where we are wrong. We just don't know. And we are doing ourselves and everyone around us, especially ourselves, a huge disservice by pretending otherwise.
A lot of rambling to say, I am trying to embrace the moment more. Trying to let go of some of the things that get me wound up and not living in the moment. Trying to embrace the now. It's a work in process. But for anyone who can, I think it's the way to go. I suppose I am sharing for anyone who needs to hear this, and learn from what we've learned. Maybe that's no one. But even if it's one person, then our story has been worth it.
First up at our house: day 36! The summer days continue. This is how summer looks for the boys in the morning, until the rude awakening of school in the next couple of months.
And this is how this summer looks for this guy. Masks and a bald head (and all of the other stuff!) He seemed to take a turn yesterday, where everything was relatively under control- his temperature was fine, and he was actually feeling slightly better. A 5 or 6 versus a 7 or 8. As he said: "Today is infinitely better than yesterday. I've gotten to the point where I feel like I'm not full of cancer and chemo and like I'm going to puke 24/7." So THAT is good! He and Colleen even got out and about to run some errands!
He also got more of Miss Collette's amazing soup, which he was SO excited about.
More summer shenanigans for these two... lots of playing outside and getting as dirty as possible. Seems to be the key of summer. And thank god it is summer- getting them outside so Oliver can have some silence inside is definitely needed right now at times.
Shot time! Shot #3 of the cycle. BUT, we have not landed back in the dreaded hospital, so celebrating the shot's victory on that front. Hospitals are just the worst. Obviously needed at times, but spending days in there is just soul depriving.
Justin and I were able to sneak in a little walk this afternoon. We were both feeling better, enough to get out and about and moving slightly. Not quite enough to attempt a bike ride but the walk/hike was nice.
OG spent most of the day right here, but you can tell he's feeling better- looks way more alive than he has in the last few days.
We also got our decals today! Awesome!
The kids spent the afternoon playing at our amazing neighbor's house with their grandsons, who are some of their favorite buddies. We are so grateful to them for hosting them and for making them dinner. The kids had a blast!
And, day 12 of round two and Oliver took his first walk of this cycle. Yes! Minor victories! Only down to the mailbox, but we will take it. Much earlier than last cycle (part of that being we were stuck in the hospital last cycle at this time).
More #oliverstrong. Loving how we keep getting surprised by these pictures every day!
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