Day 5. Thank GOD for day 5. We finally made it to the end of this 5 day block. Feels like a huge accomplishment, and I dare say it almost seemed to go fast? I mean, as fast as 40 hours in the hospital can seem (which is not fast at all) BUT in general, the week seemed to go much smoother and faster than in round 1.
Round 1 felt...awkward. Like we were all newborns stumbling around in the world trying to find our footing with no clue what we were doing. All true. Try to take a step here, fall down. Put your hand there, get burned. Trial and error to get to where we are now in round 2 to figure out what works, and what doesn't. It does and it doesn't make it any easier. It is SO much better to have Oliver cognizant this time around, but chemo is still just... brutal.
In full transparency and in keeping with the realness in this forum, I am at the point in the process where I just get mad. So mad. I HATE this. I hate injecting this stuff in to a beloved family member. I hate that this is the option. I hate reading about what this will do to him long term. That by essentially saving him now, we may be setting him up for a myriad of problems down the road. I hate how awful he feels by the end of these 5 days, and there is NOTHING we can do about it. How is it that what is supposed to heal, hurts? And not only hurts now but has side effects that are long lasting, potentially even forever? Nothing about his body will be as it was before chemo, and that is simply a fact. It was the option that we had given the nature of his cancer. Perhaps if we had seen the spreading a little earlier, we could have gone a different route- less invasive, maybe potentially radically changing of lifestyle- many things which could help, if not completely cure. Maybe if this was a few years down the road, immunotherapy versus chemotherapy would be the first way to treat cancer, but its in its infancy so wasn't an option now. There are so many "ifs." It is truly just brutal, and heart breaking to watch and witness. We are confident it is doing its job, but man... if there was any other option, we'd be all in.
First up today: a cuddle bug in our bed. Owen loves his dad. Loves to cuddle him, has always been comforted by him even as a baby, more so than me. Poppy feeling his heart beat.... these are the moments that take your breath away. I didn't know Bailey and Oliver until they were about 11 and 13. And sometimes now, since they are both young adults, it's easy to forget about Justin being their dad. I don't mean that in a casual way or weird way, I just mean, it's different to parent adult children than the little kids, and it's a long distance away from the chaos that is little boys. But seeing Justin with our little guys and going through this with Oliver just adds an element. You remember things that Justin did even with 11 year old Oliver when I met him based on how I see him with Owen and Bennett. This morning, this moment with Owen reminded me of when I first met Justin and Oliver would come over from his moms and spend the night at Justin's apartment in Bellevue. He used to HATE when I would spend the night with Justin, not because he didn't like me, but because he wanted to cuddle with Justin in his bed. This moment with Owen this morning was a flashback to that time. It takes your breath away.
It became even more heart breaking a couple of hours later when Oliver woke up. He was in bad shape this morning. An 8-8.5 on the scale of 1-10 (again, 1 being the best) and Oliver is so nice, I honestly don't know that he would ever say he is a 10. So an 8 for him is probably a 10 for the rest of us. Justin went in to his room to help him and bring him a barf bowl. He came out and said to me through tears and quivering lips, "He just doesn't deserve this. It's so unfair." He later said to me, I could see in Oliver's eyes, the fear and the pain. The unfairness. Just how awful he felt. What you don't see in the below picture of Justin is the tears streaming down his face.
Justin got Oliver settled and set out to fix Owen's bike. Again, in the below picture, couldn't quite stop the waterworks- a place where we have all been and is even so much more profound in dad. It is so helpless to watch your kid be in so much pain, and so ill, and unable to do anything about it. As a "fixer" and as a dad, Justin just wants to be able to fix it for his kid. When he can't, he turns to what he knows how to do- fix SOMETHING.
We were able to get Oliver slightly more comfortable, with some weed and a couple of pharma drugs that seem to help (Zofran and Ativan). Within an hour or so, he was a little bit more comfortable than he was upon waking up. Justin marched out in this shirt feeling it to be appropriate for the day. We appreciated the humor.
Oliver feeling a little bit better and able to eat a little bit before heading out to the center for the 12:30pm appointment.
Sometimes the weight of this all gets to us in different ways. We all have to have a release, and it's much harder to find it on the days we are "on" for chemo. But, we read, we write, we nap, we work, we cook, we fix and for me today I was able to escape to the gym for a few minutes. I was even joined by a cute little workout buddy!
Shortly after, Justin, Colleen, and Oliver left for Seattle. The boys and I weren't far behind. I ended up taking them to our friends' house for the day because they wanted to play with the cats (or more realistically play video games and jump on their trampoline). Right after I dropped them off, a picture of Oliver and Colleen as they were waiting to be checked in.
I headed to Seattle after dropping the kids off, and met up with the crew there including Bailey and Angel. Packed house in the room today!
I don't know what it was today, maybe just because it was just us, but man it was a hilarious day. We were cracking up for almost the first few hours we were there. Oliver was even awake the whole time saying we were entertaining him. It was SUCH a different vibe today, and so much fun. And so good for all of our souls to laugh and connect like that today, even in not the most pleasant of circumstances. What Oliver doesn't realize is that even though he is sick, he is the one bringing all of us so much closer together. We had a family before, but it wasn't like this. Now it feels bomb proof- a different element of closeness.
A few hours in: Justin came in to "ask the ladies" a question. He was apparently befuddled by the "pad" dispenser in the bathroom (dual gender bathrooms). He wanted to ask all of us why the picture of the pad was so thick. I can't even describe how hilarious this was in his concern for why a pad was so thick (and we couldn't quite explain it because we were rolling on the floor). He understood the tampon dispenser, however... Again, we laughed for quite a while over this. Shoot, you find humor in random things on these days. I'm pretty sure I know what we are spending .25 cents on for Justin pretty soon!
Oliver also got a hankering for French fries mid afternoon, so Colleen, Bailey and Angel went on a hunt to find them. Again with the "weed is jesus" because he PLOWED through the fries. He would stop for a little bit, and then we would try to take the box away and he'd be like NOPE just resting- DO NOT TOUCH. Ha! We are just happy to see him eating.
Justin and I took a walk to Fremont yesterday afternoon. Was a lot calmer down in Lake Union yesterday after the holiday, and nice to get out. Good weather as well, and after the humidity in Missouri, felt so nice to be back in 70 degrees.
Meanwhile the kids were back at Grace's doing what they do best: video games and jumping on the trampoline. Oh, and of course, cuddling Pearl.
Justin and I left around 5:30pm to go home and get the kids, with a promise to make Oliver pizza for when he got home. On our way home, Justin was having some fun in my car "flooring it" and the kids thought it was "so cool." Especially because I may have freaked out a tiny bit.
We also made the kids change clothes because they had cat hair everywhere when they got home. Bennett comes out and says he "got all fancy for Colleen." Heart melts. I said are you going on a date then? Yep! He also wanted to make sure we had a bottle of wine open. Way too cute, and totally his fathers kid.
He then sat down to play the piano which was also adorable.
In Seattle, Colleen and Oliver were watching the clock. We were all off on our time yesterday or they screwed up somehow because it felt like the longest day ever. We all thought that he would be done around 8pm but he didn't end up getting out of there until 9:30pm, which put them home at around 10:15. Ick. However, on the plus side, it sounds like they had a great evening telling stories and chatting.
And just like that, the 5 day block is done. We are slightly apprehensive about how days 6-7 will look, despite the break, just given the build up in his body and where we were last round on days 6-7 (IE: convulsions and the works). But, we think we have a plan of action, and again, he's at LEAST way more with us this time. It's not been easy, but we are fighting. #oliverstrong
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