Many people have commented that these updates are hard to read. Trust me, they are much harder to write and even more than that- to live through. We are on the hump day of the 5 day chemo block, and after the highs and joys of last week, we are brutally reminded of the truth of our story right now in the rawness and realness and true destruction of cancer and chemo. But we know that together, we can get through this and it will allow us to get back up that figurative mountain to the higher places.
It is nothing short of heart breaking to see Oliver on a gradual decline this week. Each day is a little worse. And while we know that this is to be expected as the chemo does it's "job," and we have lived through this once before, I can't even adequately describe how it feels to feel so helpless to stop its impact. Oliver is operating at about a consistent 5 or 6, or 7. So, not terrible, but also not great.
I saw an article this morning in my inbox that had me thinking about after all of this is over. The jist of the article was how to encourage our children to look past themselves to a place they will thrive. This seems even more relevant to our situation, but is a bit harder with an adult "child." How can we turn this whole experience in to a positive for Oliver after this is all over? In that vein, I saw another article about a guy who over came stage 3 colon cancer with just surgery and opted out of chemo. He instead opted to radically change his lifestyle and is now 15 years cancer free. (Not saying this is the route for everyone, obviously, but inspiring nonetheless). One of his main points was eliminating "toxins"-- both in foods, lifestyle, relationships. How do we convey the importance of this to Oliver post chemo? That by doing these things, after the chemo hopefully eradicates all the cancer, he could very well have a long and happy life without future recurrence?
I truly believe that these sort of lifestyle habits can set people up for success versus returning to the "same old" after treatment. How do we encourage a general detox- look at what you've always done, what you've eaten, your lifestyle habits, your relationships- and determine what is actually toxic to your overall health. Clearly, this is a conversation and a battle for a different day, but all sorts of things cross your mind when in the heart of treatment and especially forward looking things because you have to believe there will come a day when you are PAST this stuff and can tackle the next phase. There are days when you can only focus on the moments and minutes right in front of you, and then there are other days when the only things that helps is getting your mind occupied with what will come down the road.
For me, today was a down the road day. Probably because I was traveling and not in the heat of the treatment room other than getting updates. And also I am deliriously tired, which means my brain is basically on overdrive so you never know how random the thoughts can get.
Today started off with a selfie from dad! Actually today started off at 1am with a puking kid, if we're being literal in terms of time. July 3, 1am: puking kid. He threw up about 4 times between 1-3am and then fell asleep on the bathroom floor. We are pretty certain it was some sort of food as my stomach and my brother's/his wives were all pretty off. As my sister in law said: "Some sort of small exorcism occurred." HA!
My mom let me sleep from about 4-6am, which probably saved me. And at about 7am, turkey #2 was up to play for the day. Yay.
I decided to send a completely unflattering picture back to Justin. Double yay for coffee. Thumbs down to puking kid plus no sleep. Know what that equation equals? Giant bags under eyes and looking like I am minorly whacked out. BUT!! The positive in this! WHICH IS SO EXCITING. I know this is going to sound completely batshit crazy, but for anyone who knows me, you know my phobia with barf. I quite honestly have only once ever handled a barfing kid by myself and it was when Bennett was a baby (so pretty much just like spit up barf), and Justin and Owen were also puking. This time, I literally handled the puking kid like a boss, ALL BY MYSELF. I know this is so minor for most people but for me this was a HUGE development. I have to think that some of the things we have helped Oliver through this last month has helped me to break through my prior fears and realize that nothing is really that big of a deal. Pretty exciting stuff.
Bennett decided early yesterday morning he was in need of some exercise. On the tread-MEAL (as he pronounces it).
Owen slept on the bathroom floor until about 10am. Hard. He said it was super comfy. He woke up and then puked once more at 10:30am, and then was good after that... still not 100%, but the puking was done.
Back in Seattle, the team was headed to SCCA to start off day 3.
Luckily, Oliver was feeling ok, and after some edibles (marijuana), he was able to take the edge off the nausea and also eat some more. Yes! He is a little bloated and swollen from the chemo, which none of the nurses seemed too concerned about. I guess that they are wrecking his white blood cell counts even more, and so after this round, we will have to give him shots to try to increase it. I am not quite sure how you can go lower than a 7 (as per last round), but maybe I am not understanding simple math and you can go negative?
Colleen told me that OG was slightly high after an edible and so she was on a wild goose hunt to find some ranch dressing as requested for his tomatoes. I guess he was licking some ranch off his hands with his eyes closed saying "so gooood." So awesome, and we are mostly just glad he's still eating this round.
Another visit from Colleen's sister, Leslie, yesterday who is keeping Oliver stocked with some foods that he likes. So sweet.
Colleen and Justin haven't gotten much sleep either so Justin brought coffee to the hospital. Coffee for the win yesterday.
Not for this guy, though- sleepy time!
On the way home from the hospital, feeling like total crap.
However, Colleen was able to continue to get him to take drinks- again, improvement over last round.
In Kansas City, we were waiting to see how Owen was doing (although seemingly much better), and getting ready to fly. Bennett was full of piss and vinegar, as per usual. I knew Owen was doing better when we started to watch the world cup (B on an errand with grandma), and he started to jump up and down for the USA girls soccer and mimic their moves.
Then we spent a few minutes before we left for the airport shooting off their remaining fireworks. And Owen also schooled me in horse (basketball). Again, per usual.
Fun with snapchat filters while waiting at the airport.
The boys did AWESOME on the plane. However, it was an interesting flight.... there was a very mentally disturbed gentleman next to us, which required multiple step ins by flight attendants, he was yelling f-bombs basically throughout the flight. It was almost like a severe panic attack/PTSD or something. Pretty sad, and it seems as if he was traveling with a wife and two boys about the same ages as Owen and Bennett. At one point, Owen said, "why is that man so angry?" And at the end of the flight, Bennett gave one of the little boys a hug. They picked up on the situation, and it was almost like Bennett was hugging him to say, "it's ok, dude." About damn near made me cry. You think you are in a shitty situation, and then you realize there are TONS of shitty situations out there, some worse than others- some that you can control, some you can't. Everyone certainly has their own life circumstances they are dealing with.
Poppy came to pick us up, and I'm pretty sure he was more excited to see the boys than vice versa. They were like, "oh hey dad." HA!
When we got home, Oliver had just gotten home as well, and was crashed out on the couch. Again, just the gradual decline as we go through these 5 days. He feels like basically total crap. It is so helpless. As a mom, like when Owen was puking, I gave him peppermint and some homeopathic treatment that always helps with an upset stomach. Something of Oliver's level- the cancer/chemo level- you are at the mercy. You can't really just give a pill to help. You can try and hope it takes the edge off, but it's SO much bigger than that. The chemo is just wrecking his body, and so while there are methods that help, it's still mostly just moderately helping but you can't take it away. It is the worst feeling in the world to know that you can't really take the pain away fully or make it better.
Our #oliverstrong photo of the day goes to our favorite nurse, Casey. Granted, she has a million cancer patients, but Justin gave her a bracelet and told her that while she didn't have to wear it every day, she could look at it when she was having a bad day to remember all the good that she does. She's amazing- shoot, most all of the nurses we have had have been nothing short of exceptional.
Two more days left of this 5 day block. A very different looking 4th of July than in years past. But, we will make it. Two days. Two days left. Keeping up the fight. Oliver is stronger, more of a trooper and a full warrior than any of us combined, but we are fighting for him as his body gets beaten by this treatment and gets weaker, especially in the moments he can't always fight for himself. #oliverstrong.
No comments:
Post a Comment