Jenn: Day 28: July 4, 2019

It's an intriguing thought to think back to a year ago today- July 4th- and think about what we were doing, where we were, and of course, our sentiment at the end of the night: "Can't wait for next year!"

Here it is, next year, and our thoughts from a year ago couldn't be more different. You kind of stop and think, wait, let me think about that and ponder that again. HOW DIFFERENT things can go. You rack your brain thinking, could I have ever in my wildest imagination had the thought that a year ago on July 4th, as we were leaving a fun night with friends and a pretty epic fireworks display that we said we couldn't wait to do again, imagined that instead we would be on day 4 of chemo with OLIVER? Nope. It's like a brain teaser. You keep racking your brain trying to process the shit out of it. On holidays, especially, where there is usually some consistency year to year. You try to connect the dots and think, man, how did we get from THERE to HERE. There is absolutely zero rational explanation.

The details from a year ago seem so vivid for some reason. We took the little kids to see Bailey and Angel's new house. We played outside. We went to our friends house for a BBQ and fireworks display. I remember conversations I had. Details of the day. Which is odd, as the 4th of July is not ever really a holiday I get super hyped about. But it was the kids' first time to stay up and watch a real fireworks display. They were stoked. So maybe that's why I remember things so clearly.

And to connect to the details of today to those of a year ago, almost as if to make sense of it all just seems...impossible.

The truth of the matter is: This can happen to anyone. We had (still have!) the perfectly imperfect dysfunctional huge, big extended family. We never in a million years ago could have imagined that instead of celebrating the 4th of July in 2019, we would be sitting vigil next to our kid on day 4 of chemo. ANY OF US, in any of our journeys.

Life sucks, and none of us are immune to bad things happening. If anything can be learned from us, it is this: this can happen to anyone of us, and horrible things happen to good people every day. I'm not saying that to be a downer, I'm saying that because it's true. And not only is it true, IT WILL inevitably happen in one way or another to each person living a life which just so happens to be all of us that breathe. It's all part of the thread of our story, and it's what makes life so beautiful in so many ways. Experiencing the worst, makes the best even more joyous. And quite truthfully, experiencing the worst allows you to live more openly. If the "worst" can happen, and you know that to be true, you are less fearful each day. I used to be so scared that "something bad would happen." Fear took hold almost to an anxiety level, and I got wrapped up in it even though NOTHING was wrong. Well, guess what?! One of the worst things that could happen, did happen. But now I am no longer fearful of the bad things that could happen. It's very odd. Because bad things COULD STILL happen. One of us could get in to an accident, another one of us could get sick, Oliver's story could take a turn.... anything- your mind could go anywhere with that, especially if you watch the news. But you know what this has taught me at least? We can deal with anything. There is a certain peace that has come from this, that is not really explainable.

While we still have our moments of emotion with our experience right now with Oliver: anger, grief, denial, acceptance, we mostly have to choose bravery and love as the outside emotions. We are not the anomaly here--we are just like anyone else. People have their own battles every day- that make holidays hard, that make day to day life hard. As I said, there are things in life that just SUCK, but the ONLY way to get through them is to choose to be brave and to choose love. And, to let go of any preconceived notions of what "should" be, because trying to figure out why things aren't as they should be will only be a circle of a brain teaser that will never be able to be solved. You will be in a perpetual place of mystery and will drive yourself crazy. Sometimes things just don't make sense, and to fully appreciate the NOW, you have to just let it go, release the fear and let go of what you thought things should have been like- embrace the chaos, embrace the change, embrace love. It's actually very freeing.

Day 28 started out rough. Oliver was about a 7 to 8 on the scale of 1-10, 1 being feeling 100%. He was SUPER nauseous and asked for a bowl. So hard to see him so miserable. The good news is that he was able to sleep decently enough. Headed out for another 8 hour day of chemo. Luckily the appointment today was at a reasonable time- 9:40. Not too early, not too late.

Trying to muster up the energy to go. Poor kid.

Barf bag ready... luckily, not needed.

At SCCA, ready to check in.

Getting all hooked up and ready to go. We had some concerns about his puffiness, but apparently that is a normal side effect of chemo drugs. The nurses are not too concerned about it at this point. He has been infused with so many liquids and the drugs themselves, that he is just retaining some liquid.

He is still eating (as Colleen said, "Weed is Jesus!") so that is the saving grace this round versus round 1 when he didn't eat for about 8 days.

The boys and I went down to the center a couple hours after every one else got there. They so want to be a part of it all, but also are trying to adjust back to mean poppy and mom (and you know, RULES) after being on vacation, that they were like little monster balls yesterday. But we were able to still enjoy a few hours of time down there with them.

Luckily Oliver was able to mostly rest yesterday during treatment.

We took the kids on a walk during the time we were there, and realized that it was in fact the 4th of July. Lake union was hopping with people getting set up for the celebrations later that evening.

We even found a park that we hadn't seen before, and the kids had a blast playing on it for a few minutes. Really enjoyed the time with dad. I think they have been missing him.

Back in the hospital room, snacking!

And then brother Bailey showed up- bonus for the little guys!

After a few hours, the kids hit their point, so we decided to leave. There were dual breakdowns on the way out. Good times. Pretty typical after they are away- they miss their dad and are adjusting back.

The rest of the afternoon/evening was pretty uneventful for Oliver. Sleeping, eating, smiling occasionally.

The kids and I beat them home and were able to run a few errands before they got home, and then the kiddos were able to run around outside for a while.

Once dad got home later, we were going to try to go to a friends house for some sort of attempt at a 4th of July gathering. We asked the kids if they wanted to go and they said no- they would rather stay at home and play with us. I think they miss just the simplicity in that, so that is just what we did. No complaints here, either- it is frankly kind of hard to be in social situations right now.

Towards the end of the evening: dance party erupts!

Oliver was still feeling like pretty much total shit- about an 8. We gave him more THC which seemed to help, and at least made him want to eat some more. The good thing about this cycle is that he is cognizant enough to be able to communicate with us, which he as not able to do the last cycle due to how drugged he was. So counting our blessings that he is still HERE, in the mental capacity. It sucks that he feels like crap, but he is at least able to express that and tell us that this time around.