Recently I stumbled across a Huffington post article about being married 3 times (you can see the full article by clicking here, though most of it is posted below), the jist of it being lessons that were learned as a result. It obviously struck a chord with me seeing as how I've been married three times. Oh, do I not mention that publicly? It's not a secret, it's just I don't really find it that relevant to talk about that often. Regardless, I have. Three. dang. times. I'm really quite at peace with it and in a lot of ways, find it humorous. I mostly attribute it to the fact that my 20s were a little bit chaotic as is, so throwing in two marriages just kind of fit the equation at the time. My 30s so far, have been much more stable and I think that most of that is the fact that at the end of my 20s I finally figured out who I was and figured out what the heck I wanted from a spouse and partner...and, not to mention, LIFE.
So, anyway. This article made me laugh and I will post the thirty three things from that article here (with my commentary in red). From one "serial marrier" to another, cheers!
My husband and I had our 17th wedding anniversary this year and I am thrilled that this marriage did not tank like the first two did. I don't know if I got better at marriage or just tired.
I have learned a few things from my multiple marriages and now I would like to impart this wisdom to you. Someone should benefit from my failures.
1. Some people will judge you if you have been married multiple times. SOME people? Are you kidding? In my experience, every damn person on the face of the earth judges you especially after the second time. I seriously considered walking around with a bag over my head as I was going through divorce #2, which really sucks because divorce no matter how you cut it or how right it is, royally SUCKS, so to get judgements on top of it? AWFUL. Now when I go to the DMV or somewhere of the sort and they ask me for previous names and I rattle off three (in addition to the name I currently have), I then continue on to really get a rise out of the guy or gal so that four last names doesn't really seem that outrageous. And then I seem like a TOTAL lunatic. It's all good. Note to anyone considering getting married that may get divorced eventually (looking at all you 22 year old here that think marriage at a young age is smart)? Just keep one damn name. Don't even bother changing it because then you'll end up with multiple names someday, most likely (unless you're in the 1% that makes it last when you get married at 22... I did not fall in to that category. Clearly. That in and of itself is another post for another day).
2. F*ck those people. YES. If I've learned one thing over the last 10-12 years through this relationship process (IE: mostly the marriage/divorce process), it's who my friends really are. The people who have an opinion or cock their heads at "oh this is your third marriage" or offer insight as to WHY your first two marriages didn't work out (when clearly they didn't have a clue or insight in to either marriage), they are not your friends. And they should be given the biggest middle finger around for attempting to play psychologist.
3. Not literally. No, oh god, no. Almost can't believe she went there, although it did elicit a big chort from me (CHORT = chuckle/snort. Did I just invent that word?)
4. Unless you really want to. It's not my business. Again, barf. Although they do say that what heals heartache is replacement, so maybe this would work for some people?
5. Ending a marriage does not mean all your problems will disappear. The only problem that will be solved is being in a bad marriage. Um, yeah. Divorce sucks and is not to mention, very expensive. I ended my first marriage because I did not love the guy. I mean, I LOVED him, still do... but as my very best friend. Not the way you want to live forever, sadly. But I knew that for both of us, we had to find "true" love. Unfortunately, by making this decision my life got more complicated than I was really ready to deal with at the ripe old age of 24. And then I entered in to marriage #2 as if to prove I could make marriage work. Again, horrible idea. Like I said, my 20s were a very chaotic time. Note from the wise one: KNOW YOURSELF before you enter in to any sort of relationship. A tie for this: LOVE YOURSELF.
6. You will probably lose some friends. It still hurts how many friends I lost. It's also very dumb because if you are the one who called it off, you are forever seen as the "bad guy." It is unfair, but not worth staying in a shitty marriage. Most of the friends I lost in particular were as a result of the end of marriage #1 when I lost a lot of college friends that we shared together. I'd say it's a necessary evil as you do realize quickly who your true friends are and it is certainly not a reason to stay in a marriage.
7. Two failed marriages does not have to mean you're bad at marriage. Case in point: Marriage #3. THIS is what marriages should be about, and what I was looking for all along. Too bad I didn't just have two bad breakups, but you know, no regrets.
8. Ending a relationship, even shitty ones, is painful. Duh.
9. You don't have to explain to anyone why you feel bad about leaving a situation that you hated. For a while there, I walked around and basically word vomited on anyone who asked about either divorce (after each respectively). Now I feel no need to go in to detail as to why neither worked. I knew they both weren't right, I made what I thought were good decisions, and ended up being in situations I hated. I no longer feel like I need to give all the gory details behind them. It's really no one's business.
10. People will talk about your failed marriages behind your back. This is so true, and to be totally honest, I think people STILL talk about these behind my back. To that I say: WHATEVER.
11. Their opinions are not your business.This was one of the hardest things to let go of. For the longest time, I wanted to change everyone's opinions and make them see why I did what I did in both case. I finally realized that would never happen and no one would ever really understand because they were never on the inside of either situation. I really had to let go and stop caring (easier said than done).
12. Staying in a bad marriage because you don't want to look like a failure is kind of dumb. Especially true for me. People so loved husband #1 that I got all kinds of looks (and comments) to the effect of "Jenn is an idiot, she failed." And after #2, I really got the looks of total failure. But that is not a reason to stay in the marriage.
13. By "kind of" I mean "extremely." YES.
14. Your kids will be fine. Just love them and be there for them. They want you to be happy. Thank GOD I had no kids. THANK GOD.
15. Being financially dependent on another person is an uncomfortable place to be if you have a rocky marriage. Luckily, I was able to support myself. But, I also paid out my butt to end each marriage... a house that went south in Phoenix cost me more money than you would believe, and taking on an extraordinary amount of liability after #2 did the same. But, at least I always had a job myself.
16. Even a good marriage is not hearts and flowers and baby angels riding on unicorns every day. But it is laughter, passion, coming together at the end of the day, and knowing that you always have that one person who is everything to you...even in the "worst" of times.
17. Some days the heart stops beating, the flowers die, the baby angels grow fangs and the unicorn kicks you. I'm pretty sure they are referring to my two year old here!
18. It's OK to have days like that. Yup. And on those days, I call the nanny!
19. It's not OK to have years like that. Agreed.
20. You don't have to be miserable all the time. I was MISERABLE in marriage #1 and #2. Not ok. It especially sucks when you have everyone telling you that you married the "perfect" person and that something is wrong with you if you aren't happy. Then you just feel like a head case.
21. You deserve to be accepted for who you are. Yes.
22. Maybe in some cases, opposites do attract... but having common interests goes a long way toward a happy marriage. YES. Justin and I have always said that we are dissimilar in many ways but where we are different, the other person lacks so it's like together we are one whole. And our interests have always been similar so we just mesh really well. We were friends before we became a couple, and that has always been the foundation of our relationship. It's been completely different than any of my other relationships/marriages.
23. Trust is king. I could go into lots of gory details here, but I will refrain and just say AMEN.
24. Knowing your spouse always has your back is royalty as well. Yes... knowing you always have someone in your corner is hands down one of the most important aspects of marriage.
25. Laughing at shit that doesn't matter eliminates at least half the fights. I can't tell you how many times Justin and I have been fighting about something and then just bust up laughing at each other.
26. Fighting fair is important. No using insecurities against each other. No pitting the kids against each other. Also agreed. Fighting is also important. We really didn't fight in marriage #1, which was also an indicator of our overall complacency.
27. If you're being mean about something (and we all know when we're being mean), then own up to it and say you're sorry. I'm still working on this one. By 50 I think I'll get there fully.
28. Don't keep score. There's no prize for that, other than resentment and heartache. Yes, learned this after the first two rounds.
29. Recognize when you have to be the strong one and give your spouse a chance to wallow if they need it. Yep.
30. Don't always try to be the strong one. Hard one for me after the first two marriages, but I am learning to be vulnerable.
31. Respect each other's boundaries. I think we are good at this one.
32. Don't get your panties wadded up over stupid sh*t. Accept that there will always be differences and learn to work around them. HA.
33. Stop touching the thermostat, it's perfect where it is. And in our case, don't even question the 40000 bikes in the garage. There will always be one more needed.
2. F*ck those people. YES. If I've learned one thing over the last 10-12 years through this relationship process (IE: mostly the marriage/divorce process), it's who my friends really are. The people who have an opinion or cock their heads at "oh this is your third marriage" or offer insight as to WHY your first two marriages didn't work out (when clearly they didn't have a clue or insight in to either marriage), they are not your friends. And they should be given the biggest middle finger around for attempting to play psychologist.
3. Not literally. No, oh god, no. Almost can't believe she went there, although it did elicit a big chort from me (CHORT = chuckle/snort. Did I just invent that word?)
4. Unless you really want to. It's not my business. Again, barf. Although they do say that what heals heartache is replacement, so maybe this would work for some people?
5. Ending a marriage does not mean all your problems will disappear. The only problem that will be solved is being in a bad marriage. Um, yeah. Divorce sucks and is not to mention, very expensive. I ended my first marriage because I did not love the guy. I mean, I LOVED him, still do... but as my very best friend. Not the way you want to live forever, sadly. But I knew that for both of us, we had to find "true" love. Unfortunately, by making this decision my life got more complicated than I was really ready to deal with at the ripe old age of 24. And then I entered in to marriage #2 as if to prove I could make marriage work. Again, horrible idea. Like I said, my 20s were a very chaotic time. Note from the wise one: KNOW YOURSELF before you enter in to any sort of relationship. A tie for this: LOVE YOURSELF.
6. You will probably lose some friends. It still hurts how many friends I lost. It's also very dumb because if you are the one who called it off, you are forever seen as the "bad guy." It is unfair, but not worth staying in a shitty marriage. Most of the friends I lost in particular were as a result of the end of marriage #1 when I lost a lot of college friends that we shared together. I'd say it's a necessary evil as you do realize quickly who your true friends are and it is certainly not a reason to stay in a marriage.
7. Two failed marriages does not have to mean you're bad at marriage. Case in point: Marriage #3. THIS is what marriages should be about, and what I was looking for all along. Too bad I didn't just have two bad breakups, but you know, no regrets.
8. Ending a relationship, even shitty ones, is painful. Duh.
9. You don't have to explain to anyone why you feel bad about leaving a situation that you hated. For a while there, I walked around and basically word vomited on anyone who asked about either divorce (after each respectively). Now I feel no need to go in to detail as to why neither worked. I knew they both weren't right, I made what I thought were good decisions, and ended up being in situations I hated. I no longer feel like I need to give all the gory details behind them. It's really no one's business.
10. People will talk about your failed marriages behind your back. This is so true, and to be totally honest, I think people STILL talk about these behind my back. To that I say: WHATEVER.
11. Their opinions are not your business.This was one of the hardest things to let go of. For the longest time, I wanted to change everyone's opinions and make them see why I did what I did in both case. I finally realized that would never happen and no one would ever really understand because they were never on the inside of either situation. I really had to let go and stop caring (easier said than done).
12. Staying in a bad marriage because you don't want to look like a failure is kind of dumb. Especially true for me. People so loved husband #1 that I got all kinds of looks (and comments) to the effect of "Jenn is an idiot, she failed." And after #2, I really got the looks of total failure. But that is not a reason to stay in the marriage.
13. By "kind of" I mean "extremely." YES.
14. Your kids will be fine. Just love them and be there for them. They want you to be happy. Thank GOD I had no kids. THANK GOD.
15. Being financially dependent on another person is an uncomfortable place to be if you have a rocky marriage. Luckily, I was able to support myself. But, I also paid out my butt to end each marriage... a house that went south in Phoenix cost me more money than you would believe, and taking on an extraordinary amount of liability after #2 did the same. But, at least I always had a job myself.
16. Even a good marriage is not hearts and flowers and baby angels riding on unicorns every day. But it is laughter, passion, coming together at the end of the day, and knowing that you always have that one person who is everything to you...even in the "worst" of times.
17. Some days the heart stops beating, the flowers die, the baby angels grow fangs and the unicorn kicks you. I'm pretty sure they are referring to my two year old here!
18. It's OK to have days like that. Yup. And on those days, I call the nanny!
19. It's not OK to have years like that. Agreed.
20. You don't have to be miserable all the time. I was MISERABLE in marriage #1 and #2. Not ok. It especially sucks when you have everyone telling you that you married the "perfect" person and that something is wrong with you if you aren't happy. Then you just feel like a head case.
21. You deserve to be accepted for who you are. Yes.
22. Maybe in some cases, opposites do attract... but having common interests goes a long way toward a happy marriage. YES. Justin and I have always said that we are dissimilar in many ways but where we are different, the other person lacks so it's like together we are one whole. And our interests have always been similar so we just mesh really well. We were friends before we became a couple, and that has always been the foundation of our relationship. It's been completely different than any of my other relationships/marriages.
23. Trust is king. I could go into lots of gory details here, but I will refrain and just say AMEN.
24. Knowing your spouse always has your back is royalty as well. Yes... knowing you always have someone in your corner is hands down one of the most important aspects of marriage.
25. Laughing at shit that doesn't matter eliminates at least half the fights. I can't tell you how many times Justin and I have been fighting about something and then just bust up laughing at each other.
26. Fighting fair is important. No using insecurities against each other. No pitting the kids against each other. Also agreed. Fighting is also important. We really didn't fight in marriage #1, which was also an indicator of our overall complacency.
27. If you're being mean about something (and we all know when we're being mean), then own up to it and say you're sorry. I'm still working on this one. By 50 I think I'll get there fully.
28. Don't keep score. There's no prize for that, other than resentment and heartache. Yes, learned this after the first two rounds.
29. Recognize when you have to be the strong one and give your spouse a chance to wallow if they need it. Yep.
30. Don't always try to be the strong one. Hard one for me after the first two marriages, but I am learning to be vulnerable.
31. Respect each other's boundaries. I think we are good at this one.
32. Don't get your panties wadded up over stupid sh*t. Accept that there will always be differences and learn to work around them. HA.
33. Stop touching the thermostat, it's perfect where it is. And in our case, don't even question the 40000 bikes in the garage. There will always be one more needed.
So there you have it. Thirty-three things I learned from being a serial marrier.
I have spent a lot of time being embarrassed by my Junior Elizabeth Taylor status, but I have decided to give that up. I am where I am. I get to claim my past without excuses or explanations. I'm of the opinion that if you want to judge a person's life... perhaps you should open up all your closet doors as well.
It's only fair. YES, YES, AND YES. And there you have it... a little insight in to me, and the article that made me laugh and think about where I've been and where I am now... happier than ever.
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