I made no bake cookies yesterday for Tim because he worked from 6 a.m. to 7:45 p.m. (yea, it really was 14 hours. I would've died). They turned out better than last time but I think I accidentally skipped a step so they were kind of chewy. Then today we both had 4 or 5 for breakfast. Definitely one of the better ideas we've had in a while... nothing beats chocolate at 6 a.m. Then we went on probably a 4 mile run/walk. We probably only ran a mile of it but that's better than we've been doing lately (it actually sprinkled on us when we were walking and it was a cool, but humid 80 degrees and overcast. Very abnormal! Yesterday we had the hardest rain/storm I've ever seen in my life. It was like someone dumped part of the ocean right on us. Crazy). I struggle to get in two good cardio workouts a week. I try my darndest but a lot of times it just doesn't want to happen. I know the problem lies in my motivation but that still doesn't make me want to do it anymore. I'm pretty good at lifting my free weights or doing pilates a few nights a week but cardio is a battle. I just don't ever want to do anything after work and I don't want to get up at 4 a.m. on weekday mornings. That will never happen, even for a morning person like me. And here, the best time to workout is in the morning and at 7 a.m. on the weekend, I just can't justify getting my lazy buns out the door versus sitting on them and still staying half asleep while I watch Today...
For lunch today, we went to Pita Jungle (the BEST ever). It was sooooo good. We had hummus for an appetizer, I had a thousand bean pita, Tim had a philly steak pita, and we had a chocolate phyllo dough piece of pie thing for dessert. Greek food is amazing. I really want my brother to come out here so I can take him here. I think he would love it! Jon, get your butt out here!!! You need to eat greek food with me. :)
This afternoon, we went and checked out some models we had seen earlier. We REALLY liked one of them. It was absolutely amazing. More than we ever thought we'd get for our money. It actually is less money than we thought we would spend at our top price. We'll see...the area that they are building the new neighborhood in is about 2 miles west of where we are now and there are a lot of things we need to consider and more houses that we need to look at. I need to stop getting so excited because I know I need to just take my time and be rational. BUT I REALLY LOVED IT. Sigh. We sent our R-E-A-L-T-O-R (I was informed I spelled this wrong in one of my last posts by someone who obviously is way smarter than me) an email asking him about the builder, the area, the schools in area (in case the market here continues like in California and we are stuck here indefinitely because we can't even afford to buy our own house back...so at this point, it would be beneficial to know that if this does happen, would our kids go to a good school?), any commercial development close by (don't want that), etc. Plus, we want to look at the inside of the houses with him to get his honest opinion. So we'll see... looking at any houses is pretty exciting, regardless.
Oh, and by the way, I am SO, SO FREAKIN EXCITED this week. My kitten is FINALLY getting declawed at the end of this week. No more blue tape on my couches (since she apparently thinks they are scratching posts). We are getting her laser declawed and spayed, which is a lot less painful for her, even though it's about $400 more expensive for us. But I feel pretty good about it. The money doesn't matter as long as she is ok. I know I will feel so sad on Thursday to just leave her at the vet overnight and she will be so confused and sad. Oh well, it's for the best... and I know she will be as good as new afterwards.
And one more thing before I stop the most random, pointless, rambling post ever. I will never talk in specific about my job on this website. If you know me, you probably have my phone number, and you can call me and I will tell you all of the intricate details who my company is, the work I do, etc., if you even care. My work bores a lot of people unless they are an accountant like me. Accountants are the only people in this world crazy enough to get excited and motivated by something as seemingly boring as taxes or auditing. So, anyway, the only thing I do want to say in general about my job here is that I absolutely love it. I actually like going to work and the people are so nice to me. I feel a little stupid right now because I'm still in the "Train me, I have no clue what I'm doing" stage but everyone goes though that. I really feel lucky to have come into contact with this job... it is better than I could've asked for.
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Saturday, July 30, 2005
From last weekend to this Saturday...
There is nothing better than a clean house. Unfortunately, I have been unable to motivate myself with this statement for the last 5 weeks. But today I did! Tim had to work today so he left at 5 a.m. I got up at 6:30 a.m. and cleaned until 10 a.m. Yes, it really was that dirty! So, now I am really happy because our house is finally clean!
Back to Tim working, I just want to brag about him a bit. I am so proud of him. He is such a hard worker and so nice to the people that he works with. A 'team player' is I guess what you would call him. He worked 11 hour days Monday through Thursday and then yesterday he didn't get home until 8 p.m. because of a huge project they were trying to finish for Penn (the tennis balls)-a 12 1/2 hour day! So he is already up to around 56 hours on the week and today he went in at 6 a.m. to finish up the Penn project and to get their inventory ready for auditors (like me!) to come this week. So he is probably going to end up working close to 70 hours this week. I worked 45 hours and I didn't think that was too shabby but compared to him it definitely is... he is amazing.
Later today I think I am going to take him to this tasty little hip place I had lunch at with some ladies from work this week. It's called Pita Jungle and it's a big hit with vegetarians (although they have non-vegetarian stuff too) and everything is all natural, organic, and healthy. It's so great! Then I think we might look at some more houses and just do whatever we feel like. We might go play golf tomorrow...
I procrastinated all week in getting up the pictures from last weekend. So, as promised, though quite late, here they are. Our dresser finally came in last Saturday and we went to the Diamondbacks game last Saturday night... if I would've posted these pictures on Monday, I would've had more details but this will suffice especially since I am posting this a week late... it was a fun weekend- we'll leave it at that.
Back to Tim working, I just want to brag about him a bit. I am so proud of him. He is such a hard worker and so nice to the people that he works with. A 'team player' is I guess what you would call him. He worked 11 hour days Monday through Thursday and then yesterday he didn't get home until 8 p.m. because of a huge project they were trying to finish for Penn (the tennis balls)-a 12 1/2 hour day! So he is already up to around 56 hours on the week and today he went in at 6 a.m. to finish up the Penn project and to get their inventory ready for auditors (like me!) to come this week. So he is probably going to end up working close to 70 hours this week. I worked 45 hours and I didn't think that was too shabby but compared to him it definitely is... he is amazing.
Later today I think I am going to take him to this tasty little hip place I had lunch at with some ladies from work this week. It's called Pita Jungle and it's a big hit with vegetarians (although they have non-vegetarian stuff too) and everything is all natural, organic, and healthy. It's so great! Then I think we might look at some more houses and just do whatever we feel like. We might go play golf tomorrow...
I procrastinated all week in getting up the pictures from last weekend. So, as promised, though quite late, here they are. Our dresser finally came in last Saturday and we went to the Diamondbacks game last Saturday night... if I would've posted these pictures on Monday, I would've had more details but this will suffice especially since I am posting this a week late... it was a fun weekend- we'll leave it at that.
Friday, July 29, 2005
Something that really annoys me...
I just remembered how irritated I was this morning. This is possibly one of the most annoying things that can happen: being rudely awakened by a screaming alarm clock at 5:30 a.m. and wondering why in the world the alarm clock is blaring at you on a saturday morning. And then, THEN, after 10 minutes of trying to ignore the stupid thing in your coma-like sleep state you remember it's Friday (thanks to your smarter husband) and it was right and you were wrong. Grr.
We need to hear from everyone who knows more than we do...
Does anyone know anything about home loans or the process of purchasing a home? We have decided that the next step we need to take is to buy a house. And that step has been sped up by about 2 years since the housing market out here is about to go through the roof. So, we are trying to buy a house and hopefully within the next few months to a year we will be moving again...at least it will not be halfway across the country this time!
We have looked at new models and we have a relator working for us on houses that are a few years old. We have to get prequalified for a mortgage first though before he really starts to work for us. I guess if we aren't approved, then he is just wasting his time. Anyway, does anyone have any suggestions or advice on what the heck we should or shouldn't be doing? We are clueless! And I'm not really even sure if we will be able to get approved for a loan...so I'm pretty scared we won't be able to buy a house. I mean, we are looking at A LOT of money. A LOT. Houses out here have doubled in the past year (which is why we want to get in so quick) but I just don't feel like we would ever be able to get a mortgage for what we would need. Tim keeps telling me that we have money and that we have really good credit and that I should just look at the monthly payments, which would be only slightly more than our rent right now. So, I guess I shouldn't be so worried but entering this phase of 'surburbia-ness' is a little frightening.
UPDATE: I talked to the mortgage guy earlier. He took all of our income/debt info and ran a credit report. He called back (I was prepared for the worst) and we were approved for WAY MORE than I ever expected. Like scary huge amount of money. I guess Tim was right and our credit is really good. I am amazed right now but it scares me that if we actually bought a house for this much, we would have that much debt. And that much money to me is absolutely nuts.
So, our relator is now working. He already sent me several listings and I feel like the ball is just rolling out of control. If we don't build a new house, at the rate things are going we could be into a house like SUPER fast. That, to me, is scary. Part of my plan when I was a teenager and even during my first few years at Gracleand, was to never settle into the surburbia thing. Of course, I never PLANNED to be married now either. I planned to be single (or dating someone but doing my OWN thing) and living overseas or in LA or New York City. And I was going to be a writer or a nutritionist/trainer, not an accountant. Funny how things work out completely different than you'd ever expect...but better. I love my life now but buying a house is like accepting that all my 'plans' are out the window. Even last year, I half expected Tim and I to like buy or rent a loft in the city or something... not buy a house and be the typical suburbia couple... but I think I'm ok with the idea now. Having a yard and room to grow will be nice. But all that debt and EQUITY (like real grown-ups have!) will be scary. I am starting to like the idea, though, of having something of our own. Just as long as we don't even consider kids for about 10 years, then I will be fine. The intended plan will still partially be real. Until I met Tim, I never wanted kids. But now look at me, I never really thought I would consider owning my own home until I was like 80 and couldn't go anywhere. It's funny though. I've realized that plans changed on the outside but the ultimate plan is happiness. And that's where I'm at right now. Total and complete happiness in my, our life.
We have looked at new models and we have a relator working for us on houses that are a few years old. We have to get prequalified for a mortgage first though before he really starts to work for us. I guess if we aren't approved, then he is just wasting his time. Anyway, does anyone have any suggestions or advice on what the heck we should or shouldn't be doing? We are clueless! And I'm not really even sure if we will be able to get approved for a loan...so I'm pretty scared we won't be able to buy a house. I mean, we are looking at A LOT of money. A LOT. Houses out here have doubled in the past year (which is why we want to get in so quick) but I just don't feel like we would ever be able to get a mortgage for what we would need. Tim keeps telling me that we have money and that we have really good credit and that I should just look at the monthly payments, which would be only slightly more than our rent right now. So, I guess I shouldn't be so worried but entering this phase of 'surburbia-ness' is a little frightening.
UPDATE: I talked to the mortgage guy earlier. He took all of our income/debt info and ran a credit report. He called back (I was prepared for the worst) and we were approved for WAY MORE than I ever expected. Like scary huge amount of money. I guess Tim was right and our credit is really good. I am amazed right now but it scares me that if we actually bought a house for this much, we would have that much debt. And that much money to me is absolutely nuts.
So, our relator is now working. He already sent me several listings and I feel like the ball is just rolling out of control. If we don't build a new house, at the rate things are going we could be into a house like SUPER fast. That, to me, is scary. Part of my plan when I was a teenager and even during my first few years at Gracleand, was to never settle into the surburbia thing. Of course, I never PLANNED to be married now either. I planned to be single (or dating someone but doing my OWN thing) and living overseas or in LA or New York City. And I was going to be a writer or a nutritionist/trainer, not an accountant. Funny how things work out completely different than you'd ever expect...but better. I love my life now but buying a house is like accepting that all my 'plans' are out the window. Even last year, I half expected Tim and I to like buy or rent a loft in the city or something... not buy a house and be the typical suburbia couple... but I think I'm ok with the idea now. Having a yard and room to grow will be nice. But all that debt and EQUITY (like real grown-ups have!) will be scary. I am starting to like the idea, though, of having something of our own. Just as long as we don't even consider kids for about 10 years, then I will be fine. The intended plan will still partially be real. Until I met Tim, I never wanted kids. But now look at me, I never really thought I would consider owning my own home until I was like 80 and couldn't go anywhere. It's funny though. I've realized that plans changed on the outside but the ultimate plan is happiness. And that's where I'm at right now. Total and complete happiness in my, our life.
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Lunch for breakfast?
I am sleepwalking today...it's one of those days where you feel like you just are never fully with it. Not like dead tired but just not altogether there. So, being that I'm like this today, I had the weirdest breakfast I've probably ever had. It seems kind of like something you would eat if you were pregnant (and, just to clarify, I AM NOT pregnant).
1st course: Kashi TLC ranch crackers (I think I ate more this morning than I packed to eat for my ACTUAL lunch)
2nd course: Several carrots (I ate a few while I was packing a bag for my ACTUAL lunch...again)
3rd course: Was going to have toast but then decided it would be better as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich
4th course: Several big bites of Tim's cinnamon roll (dessert for me?)
5th course: Huge mug of green tea
Yummy... the more I think about it the more disgusting it sounds. I feel so gross right now. But tomorrow's Friday and since today is the DAY BEFORE the best day of the week, it doesn't really matter that I just consumed the weirdest breakfast ever and actually enjoyed it.
Update: CRAP for lunch
So today at work I had some TLC ranch crackers, carrots, and a granola bar for lunch. I didn't bring a lot because I knew we were having a birthday party for July birthdays here. What I DIDN'T know was that I would eat the biggest piece of cake I've ever seen in my life. And yes, I ate it all. It was white cake with strawberry filling and it was coated with frosting. It was probably 5 inches by 5 inches. It probably had 600 calories in itself...I feel so disgusting now!!! So, healthiness has gone out the door from minute one today. Yuck. And tonight I will probably eat more crap because I always do at night... Oh well, at least it was an enjoyable piece of cake. But now I need to run a marathon so that my thighs don't show the enjoyment.
1st course: Kashi TLC ranch crackers (I think I ate more this morning than I packed to eat for my ACTUAL lunch)
2nd course: Several carrots (I ate a few while I was packing a bag for my ACTUAL lunch...again)
3rd course: Was going to have toast but then decided it would be better as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich
4th course: Several big bites of Tim's cinnamon roll (dessert for me?)
5th course: Huge mug of green tea
Yummy... the more I think about it the more disgusting it sounds. I feel so gross right now. But tomorrow's Friday and since today is the DAY BEFORE the best day of the week, it doesn't really matter that I just consumed the weirdest breakfast ever and actually enjoyed it.
Update: CRAP for lunch
So today at work I had some TLC ranch crackers, carrots, and a granola bar for lunch. I didn't bring a lot because I knew we were having a birthday party for July birthdays here. What I DIDN'T know was that I would eat the biggest piece of cake I've ever seen in my life. And yes, I ate it all. It was white cake with strawberry filling and it was coated with frosting. It was probably 5 inches by 5 inches. It probably had 600 calories in itself...I feel so disgusting now!!! So, healthiness has gone out the door from minute one today. Yuck. And tonight I will probably eat more crap because I always do at night... Oh well, at least it was an enjoyable piece of cake. But now I need to run a marathon so that my thighs don't show the enjoyment.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
DUSTSTORM WARNING!
The greater Phoenix area is under a duststorm warning right now! We have seen one from the distance but we haven't been in one since we've been out here... they look cool as long as you are somewhere safe. It is being caused by a thunderstorm to the east of us (we have had a hard time getting used to the idea of thunderstorms coming in from the east...it seems so backwards!) Since monsoon season is officially underway we've had severe thunderstorms every evening and night for about the past week or two weeks (yes it thunders, lightnings, blows, and even RAINS here). But no dust storms yet... Someone told me that only the desert here and the desert over in the middle east have these kind of storms. I'm kind of excited to see what they are all about... Good thing we haven't washed the cars recently!
Update: We have still not seen a duststorm. It only hit the northeastern corner of the valley. We could see the huge wall of dust (like we have before) but it didn't come over us.
Update: We have still not seen a duststorm. It only hit the northeastern corner of the valley. We could see the huge wall of dust (like we have before) but it didn't come over us.
This is not the promised post...
We got an awesome rice cooker from Crate and Barrel for our wedding. It's so cool I really can't believe we haven't used it before now. Anyway, we decided to make Chinese food for dinner the other night (I know it sounds like an impressive feat to me, too but it was really pretty easy). So we had the instruction book out to the rice cooker and noticed that there were some recipes in the back. I was trying to multitask (a thing that Tim is not so great at by no fault of his own...it might be a gender thing but I don't want to get in trouble by saying that. He does have his moments of successful multitasking but cooking is not one of them) by getting everything going at once (so it would all finish at once). So, while I was doing that Tim was reading the recipes.
Tim: "There are some really fancy recipes back here."
Jenn (half listening, scrambling around): "Oh really?"
Tim: "Yeah, we should make them sometime. There's one called [what sounded like] un rissotto de fleur."
Jenn: "Yeah that does sound fancy. What's in it?"
Tim: "A bunch of things I've never heard of. Like 1 gram of un solicito and some other weird things."
Jenn (attention now caught by the fact that he said GRAMS, not a Northern American measurement): "Let me see that."
Jenn (laughing): "Tim you are reading the FRENCH recipes."
Tim (laughing): "Oh man, I am an idiot."
Jenn: "I am so going to post about this."
So, as promised, honey, here's the post to publically announce your moment. A moment that rarely occurs with you but when it does, it is all I can do to not laugh about it for a while. It would have been even more funny if he had actually tried to make this recipe... wonder how that would've turned out.
Tim: "There are some really fancy recipes back here."
Jenn (half listening, scrambling around): "Oh really?"
Tim: "Yeah, we should make them sometime. There's one called [what sounded like] un rissotto de fleur."
Jenn: "Yeah that does sound fancy. What's in it?"
Tim: "A bunch of things I've never heard of. Like 1 gram of un solicito and some other weird things."
Jenn (attention now caught by the fact that he said GRAMS, not a Northern American measurement): "Let me see that."
Jenn (laughing): "Tim you are reading the FRENCH recipes."
Tim (laughing): "Oh man, I am an idiot."
Jenn: "I am so going to post about this."
So, as promised, honey, here's the post to publically announce your moment. A moment that rarely occurs with you but when it does, it is all I can do to not laugh about it for a while. It would have been even more funny if he had actually tried to make this recipe... wonder how that would've turned out.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Today history was made...at least in our household
I am SO excited. Like bubbly excited. For the stupidest reason. Probably like how parents get excited when they potty train their kids or their kids do something really great. I might have to post about this thing before I post about our weekend. Mainly because I am lazy and haven't put the pictures of the weekend on my computer yet but also because I'm so excited about this new thing, stupid as it may be, that I might just have to post about it and SOON! But it's so dumb and really kind of disgusting that I am still debating...check back later.
I'm going to go drink a Dr. Pepper. I am getting back into my bad habit of drinking soda a lot. Ugh.
I'm going to go drink a Dr. Pepper. I am getting back into my bad habit of drinking soda a lot. Ugh.
Monday, July 25, 2005
Third time's a charm
Last night marked three consectutive Sunday nights where we couldn't sleep. WHAT. IS. OUR. PROBLEM?
Time we first went to bed, feeling tired: 10:30 p.m.
Times I got out of bed between 10:30-12:00: 5
Time the clock said the last time I looked: 2:23 a.m.
Time the alarm went off this morning: 5:30 a.m.
Really I am not feeling too bad...nothing like last week at this time. Hopefully no major wave of exaustion will sweep over me in the next 8 hours. Right now I feel pretty good. I guess maybe I just didn't need sleep. I just feel bad for keeping Tim awake.
Traffic this morning was awesome! Our weekend was so fun, too...I will post about it later-I have pictures! Oh, and I just looked at my calendar and realized that Tim and I have been married for 10 months today... we don't really keep track of the months thing but I really can't believe we are this close to a year. Last year at this time I was so stressed out. And I mean stressed and freaking out in the biggest senses. Loved the experience of the wedding craze, but I'm so glad that it's now and not then.
Time we first went to bed, feeling tired: 10:30 p.m.
Times I got out of bed between 10:30-12:00: 5
Time the clock said the last time I looked: 2:23 a.m.
Time the alarm went off this morning: 5:30 a.m.
Really I am not feeling too bad...nothing like last week at this time. Hopefully no major wave of exaustion will sweep over me in the next 8 hours. Right now I feel pretty good. I guess maybe I just didn't need sleep. I just feel bad for keeping Tim awake.
Traffic this morning was awesome! Our weekend was so fun, too...I will post about it later-I have pictures! Oh, and I just looked at my calendar and realized that Tim and I have been married for 10 months today... we don't really keep track of the months thing but I really can't believe we are this close to a year. Last year at this time I was so stressed out. And I mean stressed and freaking out in the biggest senses. Loved the experience of the wedding craze, but I'm so glad that it's now and not then.
Friday, July 22, 2005
Confessions and probably more than you really cared to know...
Here we go: I am a recovering anorexic. I have been at a healthy weight now for about 2 years. I say recovering because I think I will always be recovering. I don't view eating the way every other normal person does and I probably never will. Every day I make a conscious effort to eat, knowing that it just takes that one time to relapse and become the way I used to be. It would be so easy to do that especially on days that I feel huge and ugly. My body image feels permanently distorted. I have enough intelligence to KNOW that I am not fat. But when I see myself in the mirror I still see a fat girl. I weigh 114 pounds on good days, 120 on bad days. I will not let myself go over 120. When I do, I freak out. I know this is stupid and I know most people would love to weigh 120. So, I'm sorry if this offends anyone. It is just me and it doesn't have anything to do with my perception of anyone else. I do not think that 120 pounds is what everyone should weigh. I do not think that anyone above 120 pounds is fat or looks bad...AT ALL. This is purely and solely about me and what I think ABOUT MYSELF. Just know that. Trust me when I say that this behavior is an improvement.
Three years ago at this time, I weighed 80-85 pounds. I wore a size 00 (that's right, two zeros-I didn't know that sizes went that small, either). Or a girls size 12. My 2's and 4's from my prior weight were falling off of my bones. I had only 7-10% body fat. A healthy woman's body fat should be 20-40% (I am happy to report that mine now varies from 23-29%). It all started off innocently enough. When I was a kid, I was overweight. I was 130 pounds of leftover babyfat when I was 12 and I was four inches shorter than I am now. Being called pregnant at 12 is definitely not cool. But when I started to grow, the weight came off. So, I was always a healthy 110-115 in high school and I didn't gain any weight in college. But the spring of my sophomore year in college, I decided that I was going to eat healthier and exercise more. I wouldn't eat any meat aside from fish and turkey, I wouldn't eat any hydrogenated oils or processed foods, and I wouldn't eat any refined sugars. So I basically ate fruits and vegetables and A LOT of boca burgers (veggie burgers)...not enough to compensate for the added exercise I was doing. It was a healthy plan at first but when the weight started coming off (quickly, I might add) I kept eating less and less so that I wouldn't gain the weight back. And it snowballed...
I never really thought I had a problem. Tim always confronted me and we would have 5 hour conversations about what was going on. And my argument was always, "I am JUST BEING HEALTHY." But see, this thing, it not only affects your external body but it affects your mind, your entire life. In the worst of it, no one could reach me. I was oblivious to my behavior and to the people around me that I was hurting. I had mood swings like you wouldn't believe. I refused to go to restaurants. If I was forced, all I ate was basically lettuce. I wouldn't go to people's houses if we were going to be eating there. When I went to my grandma's house for our annual golf vacation, I brought a week long supply of the foods I would eat. And I LOVED my grandma's food when I was growing up (I still do). I worked out 2 hours in the morning, 2 hours at night. I avoided eating in front of people at all costs. I wanted everyone to think I was eating more than I was. For breakfast I ate a small dry bowl of kashi cereal with a couple of chunks of watermelon, for lunch I ate a handful of carrots and some turkey, and for dinner I mostly ate a boca burger and some veggies. Sometimes I made non-fat, sugarless jello (the box said it was a FREE food-meaning no calories. This really excited me at the time). I allowed myself to have 3 pieces of sugarless gum a day. Oh, yes, and I ate a lot of ketchup. I put it on everything. I even used it as a salad dressing. I didn't even eat peanut butter! No fat, period. I remember one day Tim made me eat three small oatmeal raisin cookies made by my mom (my absolute favorite to this day). But at this point in my life, they were like someone making me ingest poison. I ran for three hours after I ate them to burn them off-one hour for each cookie. ON average I probably ate 700 calories a day. Some days it was probably more like 500. Tim told me once that he didn't even like to hug me because he felt like he could just break me in half. I weighed myself at least 10 times a day.
I was emaciated. I looked physically ill. My upper legs were the size of Tim's arms. People were always whispering to my mom, asking if I was sick, suggesting that I go to the doctor to make sure everything was ok since I had lost so much weight. I actually signed a modeling contract that summer. I went to one shoot and a lady there asked how old I was. When I said I would be a junior in college she shockingly said, "Oh, honey, I'm sorry! I thought you were only 12 or so." I will never forget that. Even the modeling agents told me I needed to gain weight and in that industry, usually the opposite advice is given. When I look back at the pictures from one of those shoots, I can't believe how small and frail I looked.
There is nothing scarier than the two things that happened that helped to bring me back to reality: 1) Having your heart beat so fast that it feels like it is going to explode while you are falling asleep but doing everything in your power to not fall asleep because you are afraid you might not wake up the next morning. 2) Finally going to have the doctor and hearing her say that if you don't gain weight you could face the very real risk of never having kids. I didn't have a period for 8 months to a year. I later learned that when your body is 'starved' things like menstruation are the first to go because that isn't a necessity to keep you alive. My doctor immediately put me on birth control (which I adamently refused to take at first because I didn't want to gain weight). My greatest fear to this day is that I screwed up my body so much that I am infertile. It still makes me cry if I think about it long enough.
After my doctor's appointment that day, I cried in my car and then went out and bought a bag of peanut butter m&m's. I made myself eat the whole bag before I left the parking lot. It took about 45 minutes (and this was just one of the small bags that you buy at the checkout line). If I wasn't so petrified of barfing, I would have thrown them up right then and there. But I didn't. Instead, I just didn't eat anything the rest of the day. But the healing process had started.
I am still amazed when I look back at how seriously hard it was to gain weight and to resume a healthy weight, and not what I used to view as healthy (as an anorexic). It is by far one of the hardest things I have ever had to overcome...harder than college, harder than growing up, harder than leaving home, harder than getting my wisdom teeth pulled, harder than losing my first love. I have never been a drug addict (or done any or tried any drugs-just to clarify) but I assume that this must be similar to what a battle a drug addict faces when they come off drugs. I relapsed so many times. Eat one day, don't eat the next. I cried so many times. It took a good year of constant struggles and internal battles to get back up to 110 pounds. The birth control helped (in fact, after the year of gaining my weight back, it actually made me gain so much weight that I weighed 132 pounds. When I switched to a different pill, I lost the 'water weight').
I also went to a tea in Colorado that summer with Tim's mom and a few other of Tim's girl relatives. I ate a little bit of a scone and that was another turning point for me. That scone was SOO good. It made me start to LIKE eating again. Of course, I hardly ate anything the rest of that day but I never forgot how good that scone was and it helped me to start adding some fat to my diet. I also started a 'food diary' during my gaining period. I would put smiley faces on days where I hardly ate anything and frowns on days where I ate a lot (or what was a lot to me). Each calorie was counted down to the most miniscule crumb so days with frowns were days with 900+ calories. I still feel so sad at how distorted I was when I look back on this diary. It is a painful reminder of who I was then. You really become a whole different person when you are like this. I can't believe that Tim stuck with me in this whole situation. I know I wouldn't have liked myself if I was on the outside. He has told me that this time period was the closest he has ever coming to leaving me. I still don't know understand what it was that made him stay but I'm glad he did. Otherwise, I might not be here. I couldn't have gotten better without him.
This is the reason why I am so disgusted by people like Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Ritchie. There is no way that they are just losing baby fat, eating healthier, or exercising more. I said these same things. They sound exactly like I did three years ago. And I looked similar to what they do-emaciated, sick. It makes me so sad to hear that so many people think they actually look good. They look unhealthy! Like bones walking around. How is this anyone's definition of beauty?
The most important thing I have learned from this whole ongoing process is that healthiness is the ultimate goal. Real healthiness, pure healthiness, not distorted healthiness. Where your whole body feels and looks good, you are happy, you are whole, you are not self involved with some obsession, and you are aware of all of the good things surrounding you. You are not completely and totally obsessed and thinking only about what you are or are not eating. You know the point of total healthiness because you feel your best...like who you were always meant to become.
Body image is a product of our society. If you go by what you 'should' look like, most people would feel inadequate. I have learned to block that out on most days and to just strive to be my healthiest, MY best everyday. To cherish the people I love most and to notice the good things around me. To not be so selfish and focused on myself which for me involves eating for me and for everyone around me who cares about me. People with anorexia are the way they are for control. For control of their body, for control of what goes into their body, for control of something in their out of control life, for control of what size of clothes they wear. For me, I just plain out lost control. I don't know how it got so bad or why I let it, but I can personally testify that if affects everyone around you and it does so in the most negative way possible.
I see so many girls who look like I used to. I can spot them from a mile away...there is something in their faces that gives it all away. When I look back at pictures, I have this same look in my face. I just want to reach out to them, to hold them, to tell them that I know and understand what they are going through but that they HAVE to stop. I know they wouldn't listen because I didn't. But I still want to tell them anyway that being truly healthy is so much better than anything they are now.
Life is short and wasting it on self destruction is a waste of time that could be spent laughing, loving and living life to its fullest. On the toughest of days now when I feel like my size four is too big, when the scale reads 122 or my body fat reads 29%, and I am so tempted to just turn around and not eat and to return to where I was three years ago, I am reminded of this important truth and it always gives me enough strength to enable me to be my healthiest self and to accept myself as I am. And then, to prove that I am vibrant, well, alive and not going back to the scariest time of my life, I go and eat a huge bowl of mixed up ice cream, peanut butter and oreos. Because I know now that I AM healthy. That I am taking care of myself by not having total control all of the time and by letting myself indulge by eating and living my life. That I am never going to convince myself again that where I was three years ago defined 'healthiness.' That I am ok with the fact that I am not the skinniest person in the world and that, really, I'm the only one who ever cared anyway. That being skinny, THAT skinny, is not all its cracked up to be. That being healthy wins every day over trying to be so thin you hurt yourself. That I am never going to let a scale or society's perception of beauty affect my mood or my life to that extent again.
Three years ago at this time, I weighed 80-85 pounds. I wore a size 00 (that's right, two zeros-I didn't know that sizes went that small, either). Or a girls size 12. My 2's and 4's from my prior weight were falling off of my bones. I had only 7-10% body fat. A healthy woman's body fat should be 20-40% (I am happy to report that mine now varies from 23-29%). It all started off innocently enough. When I was a kid, I was overweight. I was 130 pounds of leftover babyfat when I was 12 and I was four inches shorter than I am now. Being called pregnant at 12 is definitely not cool. But when I started to grow, the weight came off. So, I was always a healthy 110-115 in high school and I didn't gain any weight in college. But the spring of my sophomore year in college, I decided that I was going to eat healthier and exercise more. I wouldn't eat any meat aside from fish and turkey, I wouldn't eat any hydrogenated oils or processed foods, and I wouldn't eat any refined sugars. So I basically ate fruits and vegetables and A LOT of boca burgers (veggie burgers)...not enough to compensate for the added exercise I was doing. It was a healthy plan at first but when the weight started coming off (quickly, I might add) I kept eating less and less so that I wouldn't gain the weight back. And it snowballed...
I never really thought I had a problem. Tim always confronted me and we would have 5 hour conversations about what was going on. And my argument was always, "I am JUST BEING HEALTHY." But see, this thing, it not only affects your external body but it affects your mind, your entire life. In the worst of it, no one could reach me. I was oblivious to my behavior and to the people around me that I was hurting. I had mood swings like you wouldn't believe. I refused to go to restaurants. If I was forced, all I ate was basically lettuce. I wouldn't go to people's houses if we were going to be eating there. When I went to my grandma's house for our annual golf vacation, I brought a week long supply of the foods I would eat. And I LOVED my grandma's food when I was growing up (I still do). I worked out 2 hours in the morning, 2 hours at night. I avoided eating in front of people at all costs. I wanted everyone to think I was eating more than I was. For breakfast I ate a small dry bowl of kashi cereal with a couple of chunks of watermelon, for lunch I ate a handful of carrots and some turkey, and for dinner I mostly ate a boca burger and some veggies. Sometimes I made non-fat, sugarless jello (the box said it was a FREE food-meaning no calories. This really excited me at the time). I allowed myself to have 3 pieces of sugarless gum a day. Oh, yes, and I ate a lot of ketchup. I put it on everything. I even used it as a salad dressing. I didn't even eat peanut butter! No fat, period. I remember one day Tim made me eat three small oatmeal raisin cookies made by my mom (my absolute favorite to this day). But at this point in my life, they were like someone making me ingest poison. I ran for three hours after I ate them to burn them off-one hour for each cookie. ON average I probably ate 700 calories a day. Some days it was probably more like 500. Tim told me once that he didn't even like to hug me because he felt like he could just break me in half. I weighed myself at least 10 times a day.
I was emaciated. I looked physically ill. My upper legs were the size of Tim's arms. People were always whispering to my mom, asking if I was sick, suggesting that I go to the doctor to make sure everything was ok since I had lost so much weight. I actually signed a modeling contract that summer. I went to one shoot and a lady there asked how old I was. When I said I would be a junior in college she shockingly said, "Oh, honey, I'm sorry! I thought you were only 12 or so." I will never forget that. Even the modeling agents told me I needed to gain weight and in that industry, usually the opposite advice is given. When I look back at the pictures from one of those shoots, I can't believe how small and frail I looked.
There is nothing scarier than the two things that happened that helped to bring me back to reality: 1) Having your heart beat so fast that it feels like it is going to explode while you are falling asleep but doing everything in your power to not fall asleep because you are afraid you might not wake up the next morning. 2) Finally going to have the doctor and hearing her say that if you don't gain weight you could face the very real risk of never having kids. I didn't have a period for 8 months to a year. I later learned that when your body is 'starved' things like menstruation are the first to go because that isn't a necessity to keep you alive. My doctor immediately put me on birth control (which I adamently refused to take at first because I didn't want to gain weight). My greatest fear to this day is that I screwed up my body so much that I am infertile. It still makes me cry if I think about it long enough.
After my doctor's appointment that day, I cried in my car and then went out and bought a bag of peanut butter m&m's. I made myself eat the whole bag before I left the parking lot. It took about 45 minutes (and this was just one of the small bags that you buy at the checkout line). If I wasn't so petrified of barfing, I would have thrown them up right then and there. But I didn't. Instead, I just didn't eat anything the rest of the day. But the healing process had started.
I am still amazed when I look back at how seriously hard it was to gain weight and to resume a healthy weight, and not what I used to view as healthy (as an anorexic). It is by far one of the hardest things I have ever had to overcome...harder than college, harder than growing up, harder than leaving home, harder than getting my wisdom teeth pulled, harder than losing my first love. I have never been a drug addict (or done any or tried any drugs-just to clarify) but I assume that this must be similar to what a battle a drug addict faces when they come off drugs. I relapsed so many times. Eat one day, don't eat the next. I cried so many times. It took a good year of constant struggles and internal battles to get back up to 110 pounds. The birth control helped (in fact, after the year of gaining my weight back, it actually made me gain so much weight that I weighed 132 pounds. When I switched to a different pill, I lost the 'water weight').
I also went to a tea in Colorado that summer with Tim's mom and a few other of Tim's girl relatives. I ate a little bit of a scone and that was another turning point for me. That scone was SOO good. It made me start to LIKE eating again. Of course, I hardly ate anything the rest of that day but I never forgot how good that scone was and it helped me to start adding some fat to my diet. I also started a 'food diary' during my gaining period. I would put smiley faces on days where I hardly ate anything and frowns on days where I ate a lot (or what was a lot to me). Each calorie was counted down to the most miniscule crumb so days with frowns were days with 900+ calories. I still feel so sad at how distorted I was when I look back on this diary. It is a painful reminder of who I was then. You really become a whole different person when you are like this. I can't believe that Tim stuck with me in this whole situation. I know I wouldn't have liked myself if I was on the outside. He has told me that this time period was the closest he has ever coming to leaving me. I still don't know understand what it was that made him stay but I'm glad he did. Otherwise, I might not be here. I couldn't have gotten better without him.
This is the reason why I am so disgusted by people like Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Ritchie. There is no way that they are just losing baby fat, eating healthier, or exercising more. I said these same things. They sound exactly like I did three years ago. And I looked similar to what they do-emaciated, sick. It makes me so sad to hear that so many people think they actually look good. They look unhealthy! Like bones walking around. How is this anyone's definition of beauty?
The most important thing I have learned from this whole ongoing process is that healthiness is the ultimate goal. Real healthiness, pure healthiness, not distorted healthiness. Where your whole body feels and looks good, you are happy, you are whole, you are not self involved with some obsession, and you are aware of all of the good things surrounding you. You are not completely and totally obsessed and thinking only about what you are or are not eating. You know the point of total healthiness because you feel your best...like who you were always meant to become.
Body image is a product of our society. If you go by what you 'should' look like, most people would feel inadequate. I have learned to block that out on most days and to just strive to be my healthiest, MY best everyday. To cherish the people I love most and to notice the good things around me. To not be so selfish and focused on myself which for me involves eating for me and for everyone around me who cares about me. People with anorexia are the way they are for control. For control of their body, for control of what goes into their body, for control of something in their out of control life, for control of what size of clothes they wear. For me, I just plain out lost control. I don't know how it got so bad or why I let it, but I can personally testify that if affects everyone around you and it does so in the most negative way possible.
I see so many girls who look like I used to. I can spot them from a mile away...there is something in their faces that gives it all away. When I look back at pictures, I have this same look in my face. I just want to reach out to them, to hold them, to tell them that I know and understand what they are going through but that they HAVE to stop. I know they wouldn't listen because I didn't. But I still want to tell them anyway that being truly healthy is so much better than anything they are now.
Life is short and wasting it on self destruction is a waste of time that could be spent laughing, loving and living life to its fullest. On the toughest of days now when I feel like my size four is too big, when the scale reads 122 or my body fat reads 29%, and I am so tempted to just turn around and not eat and to return to where I was three years ago, I am reminded of this important truth and it always gives me enough strength to enable me to be my healthiest self and to accept myself as I am. And then, to prove that I am vibrant, well, alive and not going back to the scariest time of my life, I go and eat a huge bowl of mixed up ice cream, peanut butter and oreos. Because I know now that I AM healthy. That I am taking care of myself by not having total control all of the time and by letting myself indulge by eating and living my life. That I am never going to convince myself again that where I was three years ago defined 'healthiness.' That I am ok with the fact that I am not the skinniest person in the world and that, really, I'm the only one who ever cared anyway. That being skinny, THAT skinny, is not all its cracked up to be. That being healthy wins every day over trying to be so thin you hurt yourself. That I am never going to let a scale or society's perception of beauty affect my mood or my life to that extent again.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Happy day before friday!
I just lost everything in a spreadsheet I have been working on for two days. Lovely. I have no idea what to do now because the idea of redoing all of my work seems so stupid...not to mention the most frustrating thing I can think of. Oh well...tomorrow's friday, right?
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Question of the day...
for anyone who has a clue or a guess.
Are motorcyclists just plain out stupid or are they just somewhat suicidal and riding their motorcyle is like their last ride before their death?
I think riding motorcycles is dumb in the first place but I don't really care what other people like to do. But please, people be smart enough to wear a helmet! I see no helmets more often than I do. I actually see helmets so seldomly that I have to blink twice to make sure my eyes are ok when I see someone wearing one. In addition most people on the bikes I see are wearing just shorts and a t-shirt--on the freeway! Oh and by the way, I pass at LEAST one motorcycle accident a day. I really think these guys (or girls) have a death wish.
Are motorcyclists just plain out stupid or are they just somewhat suicidal and riding their motorcyle is like their last ride before their death?
I think riding motorcycles is dumb in the first place but I don't really care what other people like to do. But please, people be smart enough to wear a helmet! I see no helmets more often than I do. I actually see helmets so seldomly that I have to blink twice to make sure my eyes are ok when I see someone wearing one. In addition most people on the bikes I see are wearing just shorts and a t-shirt--on the freeway! Oh and by the way, I pass at LEAST one motorcycle accident a day. I really think these guys (or girls) have a death wish.
Monday, July 18, 2005
Some happier thoughts
I feel like my last post was really mean and whiny. So here are a few pictures of things that make me really happy.
Thinking...or not
Feel like I'm dying. Got 2 1/2 hours of sleep last night if I'm being optimistic. What is with the sunday night lack of sleep marathons?It's getting old. It's like I decided that the best way to get sleep on Sunday nights is to lie down in a road and get run over by 500 trucks. My huge, puffy eyes and pounding head testify that this is probably what is happening.
Cat barfed all over this morning too. Kitten decided that it was interesting so she would stick her head under cat's mouth while the barfing commenced. I was nauseous all the way to work. I have a paranoia of throwing up in the first place and this was just flat out disgusting.
Temperature at 7 a.m. when I left: 89. Temperature when I got to work: 101. Burning hot. Yesterday was our first monsoon aka thunderstorm/dust storm. Astounding.
I am completely wiped today. I feel like crap. CRAP. Ugh. I can't believe I am expected to actually think today. I am struggling to grasp how that will be even remotely possible.
I am having one of the best hair days ever and traffic was great on the 10 this morning. Two of the most rare phenomenons occur and I am barely coherent enough to celebrate them. In a couple of hours I might get out of this groggy sleep, run over by 500 monster trucks stage...once my green tea kicks in, I drink a diet coke, and then buy a huge iced tea at lunch. But I don't believe there is any hope for my puffy black and blue eyes today.
I am just going to remember today for what it really is: a HUGE reminder of why I don't have kids and why I don't want them anytime in the near future. I can't deal with no sleep and then barfing on top of that. And kid barf is WAY worse than cat barf. And so are feedings in the middle of the night as opposed to just not sleeping. So, I guess it isn't all bad after all.
Update two hours later: Hair looks like a pile of you know what. Guess the great hair day was only good for 3 hours. I never have good hair days anymore...I just want it to GROW so I am not cutting it. I haven't had it cut since March because even when I tell them I want a TRIM they chop it. So, today is bad hair day #209. And the day gets better by the minute...
Update #2, four hours later: Just sounded like a complete jackass. One of my managers came over to talk to me. Don't talk to one of your managers/bosses if you are a complete wreck and have no idea what you are thinking. Because then you will have no idea what you are saying. So, this made me blush and I turned beet red. So not only was I sounding like an idiot, I also looked like an idiot (my bad hair day #209, my bloodshot and puffy eyes and my red as crap face, arms, neck, etc). Good lord. I probably look like I am on some kind of drugs. At least I told him that I was going on 2 hours of sleep because "I just couldn't sleep." Because I'm sure he really cared to be my sleep doctor or psychologist for a second. Way to go, Jenn. You are so cool it's unbelievable.
Update #3: Afternoon went smoothly. I apologize to anyone who reads this for being so grumpy today. I know I am kind of wimpy but I seriously feel like total crap whenever I don't get sleep. It's weird, I guess. I do have the world's biggest headache right now and I am starving. And I am crossing my fingers that there are not piles of cat puke on the floor when I get home. That, I do not think I could handle. It really has been a pretty good day... just kind of foggy. That's how I feel when I am really tired. But work went well, my hair ended up looking ok in a ponytail (awesome that I can finally pull it back into a ponytail!), and I'm really happy...just tired.
Cat barfed all over this morning too. Kitten decided that it was interesting so she would stick her head under cat's mouth while the barfing commenced. I was nauseous all the way to work. I have a paranoia of throwing up in the first place and this was just flat out disgusting.
Temperature at 7 a.m. when I left: 89. Temperature when I got to work: 101. Burning hot. Yesterday was our first monsoon aka thunderstorm/dust storm. Astounding.
I am completely wiped today. I feel like crap. CRAP. Ugh. I can't believe I am expected to actually think today. I am struggling to grasp how that will be even remotely possible.
I am having one of the best hair days ever and traffic was great on the 10 this morning. Two of the most rare phenomenons occur and I am barely coherent enough to celebrate them. In a couple of hours I might get out of this groggy sleep, run over by 500 monster trucks stage...once my green tea kicks in, I drink a diet coke, and then buy a huge iced tea at lunch. But I don't believe there is any hope for my puffy black and blue eyes today.
I am just going to remember today for what it really is: a HUGE reminder of why I don't have kids and why I don't want them anytime in the near future. I can't deal with no sleep and then barfing on top of that. And kid barf is WAY worse than cat barf. And so are feedings in the middle of the night as opposed to just not sleeping. So, I guess it isn't all bad after all.
Update two hours later: Hair looks like a pile of you know what. Guess the great hair day was only good for 3 hours. I never have good hair days anymore...I just want it to GROW so I am not cutting it. I haven't had it cut since March because even when I tell them I want a TRIM they chop it. So, today is bad hair day #209. And the day gets better by the minute...
Update #2, four hours later: Just sounded like a complete jackass. One of my managers came over to talk to me. Don't talk to one of your managers/bosses if you are a complete wreck and have no idea what you are thinking. Because then you will have no idea what you are saying. So, this made me blush and I turned beet red. So not only was I sounding like an idiot, I also looked like an idiot (my bad hair day #209, my bloodshot and puffy eyes and my red as crap face, arms, neck, etc). Good lord. I probably look like I am on some kind of drugs. At least I told him that I was going on 2 hours of sleep because "I just couldn't sleep." Because I'm sure he really cared to be my sleep doctor or psychologist for a second. Way to go, Jenn. You are so cool it's unbelievable.
Update #3: Afternoon went smoothly. I apologize to anyone who reads this for being so grumpy today. I know I am kind of wimpy but I seriously feel like total crap whenever I don't get sleep. It's weird, I guess. I do have the world's biggest headache right now and I am starving. And I am crossing my fingers that there are not piles of cat puke on the floor when I get home. That, I do not think I could handle. It really has been a pretty good day... just kind of foggy. That's how I feel when I am really tired. But work went well, my hair ended up looking ok in a ponytail (awesome that I can finally pull it back into a ponytail!), and I'm really happy...just tired.
Saturday, July 16, 2005
GO TO THE DENTIST!
Even if it's the last thing you ever want to do, go to the dumb dentist! I had not been to the dentist since November 2003 when I went in April of 2005 to one of my clients in Des Moines. I had found a giant hole in one of my teeth a few nights before I went. It didn't hurt but it was big enough to stick my tongue in. I did not have dental insurance because up until this point in my life, I had ZERO cavities. I didn't even know if this hole in my tooth was a cavity. Does anyone want to take a guess at how many cavities I had? 11! And two fillings were days away from being root canals (the first one-the giant crater- he actually told me that he would have to do a root canal on. The second one was so close that he saw my bloodstream. I should have bet on something on those days, that's how lucky I was).
I have always taken good care of my teeth. I brush twice a day and floss. And I don't eat candy! And I chew sugarless gum. And I don't drink any coffee or much soda (just the occasional half a can to feel the bubbles!) So I was absolutely mortified and shocked to find out my teeth were going to crap. Part of it was due to the fact that I didn't go to the dentist for a checkup and cleaning for over a year. Another part is due to the fact that when I was little my dentist put a sealant on my teeth which had been slowly chipping away and as a result a significant amount of decay was underneath (so, more advice: don't get sealants or put them on your kids). Another part is due to the fact that my mom relentlessly told me to get dental insurance but since I had never gotten a cavity, I didn't see a need to pay $1200.00 a year for it. So, I was cursed because she told me I should have insurance but I didn't.
So, I have paid for all of my dental work out of pocket. I have already paid about $500 and today I got such a nice piece of mail from my lovely dentist: an invoice in the amount of $1,100.00. And I also had to buy special fluordie toothpaste and a prescription of amoxcillian. I had to take 2000mg of amoxicillan before every appointment because I have a heart murmur. Taking FOUR horse pills and then an hour later spending two hours in the dumb dentists chair with rubber damns (yes they are really called that) and pliers sticking out of your mouth IS NOT MY IDEA OF FUN. And it is not fun either to barely be able to talk because your freaking mouth hurts so bad when the torture is over. And you can't feel your face. Or your tongue. Or your lip. Or your ears. But the four teeth you had filled are throbbing. You may be thinking I am sounding like a complaining wimp but you hold your mouth open wider than it wants to go for two hours at a time, 3 times in a week and proceed to do things to your teeth that involves tearing them apart and putting them back together. THEN come and talk to me. So, screw all dentists and screw teeth too. They all suck. BUT YOU BETTER GO. Because you will hate your dentist a whole lot more if you don't go than if you go. Trust me. I learned from experience.
As a sidenote: It is amazing what dentists can do now. I was worried I would have an icky mouth full of metal. But no sir, I had 'cosmetic' fillings, meaning they are all white. You can't even tell I have fillings. It is amazing. My dentist actually told me that he thinks of it as artwork and that before he became a dentist he dabbled in art. He must have thought I really cared. Getting white fillings is NOT WORTH getting a cavity.
I have always taken good care of my teeth. I brush twice a day and floss. And I don't eat candy! And I chew sugarless gum. And I don't drink any coffee or much soda (just the occasional half a can to feel the bubbles!) So I was absolutely mortified and shocked to find out my teeth were going to crap. Part of it was due to the fact that I didn't go to the dentist for a checkup and cleaning for over a year. Another part is due to the fact that when I was little my dentist put a sealant on my teeth which had been slowly chipping away and as a result a significant amount of decay was underneath (so, more advice: don't get sealants or put them on your kids). Another part is due to the fact that my mom relentlessly told me to get dental insurance but since I had never gotten a cavity, I didn't see a need to pay $1200.00 a year for it. So, I was cursed because she told me I should have insurance but I didn't.
So, I have paid for all of my dental work out of pocket. I have already paid about $500 and today I got such a nice piece of mail from my lovely dentist: an invoice in the amount of $1,100.00. And I also had to buy special fluordie toothpaste and a prescription of amoxcillian. I had to take 2000mg of amoxicillan before every appointment because I have a heart murmur. Taking FOUR horse pills and then an hour later spending two hours in the dumb dentists chair with rubber damns (yes they are really called that) and pliers sticking out of your mouth IS NOT MY IDEA OF FUN. And it is not fun either to barely be able to talk because your freaking mouth hurts so bad when the torture is over. And you can't feel your face. Or your tongue. Or your lip. Or your ears. But the four teeth you had filled are throbbing. You may be thinking I am sounding like a complaining wimp but you hold your mouth open wider than it wants to go for two hours at a time, 3 times in a week and proceed to do things to your teeth that involves tearing them apart and putting them back together. THEN come and talk to me. So, screw all dentists and screw teeth too. They all suck. BUT YOU BETTER GO. Because you will hate your dentist a whole lot more if you don't go than if you go. Trust me. I learned from experience.
As a sidenote: It is amazing what dentists can do now. I was worried I would have an icky mouth full of metal. But no sir, I had 'cosmetic' fillings, meaning they are all white. You can't even tell I have fillings. It is amazing. My dentist actually told me that he thinks of it as artwork and that before he became a dentist he dabbled in art. He must have thought I really cared. Getting white fillings is NOT WORTH getting a cavity.
Friday, July 15, 2005
Does anyone know anything about fire alarms?
Ours keeps beeping. The maintenance guy was SUPPOSED to fix it today but it looks like all he did was put it back on. Because I just got home from work and it IS STILL BEEPING. I woke up this morning because I was having a really weird dream about playing some game and the beeping sound meant I was winning...and I won alot! Then I realized that the beeping was real. Not to mention, REAL annoying. Tim and I figured it was the battery but when we took it down we didn't see a battery anywhere. So, now we are back at square one since the maintenance guy can't even fix a stupid fire alarm. I seriously feel like we are in a hospital and in the next room there is someone whose heart beat is being monitored (it sounds like one of those obnoxious machines although in hospital scenarios, the beeping is ACCEPTABLE). Arg. If only I was smarter about household stuff.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Perhaps one of the more funny conversations I've overheard in a while...
This happened when I was out at a client's today right when I returned from lunch...
(Cute old man-imagine someone like your great grandpa): "I really need some kind of painkillers right now."
(Girl): "How about Tylenol or Advil?"
(Old man): "No, that's not the one I'm thinking of. It starts with an 'm.' Midol?"
(Different girl who YELLS this loudly enough that the whole office can probably hear): "WHAT'S THE MATTER, JOE? YOU GOT CRAMPS?"
(Old man is now the shade of a ripe tomato. I don't know if I've ever seen anyone blush so much. I guess he is perhaps from the era that didn't publically address 'feminine issues.' He really probably is that old so I guess I can see why he was so embarrassed): "JJEEESSUUUSS CHRIST. Advil will be fine." (and quickly heads out the door).
Maybe you just had to be there but it was all I could do from laughing out loud. I was proud of myself for ducking my head, biting my lip, and only manging to let a small laugh out. It probably wouldn't have mattered anyway, though, the whole office was busting up. Poor guy.
(Cute old man-imagine someone like your great grandpa): "I really need some kind of painkillers right now."
(Girl): "How about Tylenol or Advil?"
(Old man): "No, that's not the one I'm thinking of. It starts with an 'm.' Midol?"
(Different girl who YELLS this loudly enough that the whole office can probably hear): "WHAT'S THE MATTER, JOE? YOU GOT CRAMPS?"
(Old man is now the shade of a ripe tomato. I don't know if I've ever seen anyone blush so much. I guess he is perhaps from the era that didn't publically address 'feminine issues.' He really probably is that old so I guess I can see why he was so embarrassed): "JJEEESSUUUSS CHRIST. Advil will be fine." (and quickly heads out the door).
Maybe you just had to be there but it was all I could do from laughing out loud. I was proud of myself for ducking my head, biting my lip, and only manging to let a small laugh out. It probably wouldn't have mattered anyway, though, the whole office was busting up. Poor guy.
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
7-13-05
Today is the scariest day of the whole year. Normally I am not superstitious. When I used to play in golf meets or tennis matches or swim in swim meets, I never had any weird superstitious thing that I did that you sometimes hear about with other people (like wearing dirty underwear because it's your 'lucky' pair). But I really hate the numbers 13 and 7.
This is a pretty new development...as in it only started at the beginning of college. But now I won't leave my car or house if the CD I'm playing is on track 7 or 13. If I'm working out I won't stop if I'm in minute 7 or 13. If I'm on the treadmill, I can't touch the settings in minute 7 or 13. I almost didn't want to buy the Mini Cooper because even though when we got it the odometer said 9 miles, on the official papers, they wrote 13. (I justified buying it though because it was REALLY 9 so apparently the people just couldn't read). So, yes, this is weird.
I have no idea why all of a sudden I got so quirky about these numbers. The only thing I can come up with is this (in all of its nerdiness): I dated a guy my senior year of high school up through the beginning of college. His favorite number was 13. Mine was (you guessed it!) 7. We kind of drifted apart when we went off the college and I always felt pretty bad about that. And of COURSE the numbers were the sole reason why we didn't work out, right? We didn't have ANY real issues that caused us to not be together. Stupid numbers.
It made sense to me back then as stupid as it sounds now and the idea has just kind of always stuck. So now I guess it is a rather bad habit. I'm not like one of those weirdos that hides in their house on these superstitious overrated days. I am just cautious. But I do have to say that this day has been weird in one sole way: I think this is the dumbest post I have ever made. Forgive me today, tomorrow will be normal again.
This is a pretty new development...as in it only started at the beginning of college. But now I won't leave my car or house if the CD I'm playing is on track 7 or 13. If I'm working out I won't stop if I'm in minute 7 or 13. If I'm on the treadmill, I can't touch the settings in minute 7 or 13. I almost didn't want to buy the Mini Cooper because even though when we got it the odometer said 9 miles, on the official papers, they wrote 13. (I justified buying it though because it was REALLY 9 so apparently the people just couldn't read). So, yes, this is weird.
I have no idea why all of a sudden I got so quirky about these numbers. The only thing I can come up with is this (in all of its nerdiness): I dated a guy my senior year of high school up through the beginning of college. His favorite number was 13. Mine was (you guessed it!) 7. We kind of drifted apart when we went off the college and I always felt pretty bad about that. And of COURSE the numbers were the sole reason why we didn't work out, right? We didn't have ANY real issues that caused us to not be together. Stupid numbers.
It made sense to me back then as stupid as it sounds now and the idea has just kind of always stuck. So now I guess it is a rather bad habit. I'm not like one of those weirdos that hides in their house on these superstitious overrated days. I am just cautious. But I do have to say that this day has been weird in one sole way: I think this is the dumbest post I have ever made. Forgive me today, tomorrow will be normal again.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
A great week!
I was a little bit worried at 1 am on Sunday night that my week would be bad... Tim and I had the alarm set for 5:30 a.m. and I didn't think that we would EVER fall asleep. Turns out, we only did get about 3-4 hours. And if I don't get at least 7 hours of sleep a night it is the all out biggest struggle to be at least be 50% coherent the next day. So I was stressed...there is nothing worse (for me) than starting a Monday with so little sleep. And I don't drink coffee. And I sit all day. So I basically consider myself screwed when I am tired and grumpy.
And boy, was I grumpy. And tired. I worked on a client all day yesterday (Carl's Jr. aka Hardee's in the midwest) and NOTHING would work out. So frustrating. Here's where the story gets better. At lunch I left in a storm of tiredness and frustration. I went to Baja Fresh to buy a huge iced tea...hoping it would give me the second wind I needed. Well, when I went in the guy said, "With a smile like that, it's yours free." I was floored. Granted, it was only like $3.00 but he also gave me a compliment! It was a definite pick-me-up when I needed it most. I love it when people are nice. And last night I did some weight training which I haven't done in a while...it felt so good! But then I ate a bowl of ice cream which probably negated the workout, but it was excellent so I didn't really care.
Then today we were on location at Carl's and still nothing would work. So I was somewhat frustrated again but less so because I wasn't as tired. I got stuck in traffic going to and from work but it was ok because I saw a cowboy jamming in his pimped out car, I saw the most ridiculously tricked out new mini-van, and I stayed in front of a guy the whole way home simply because he was cracking me up with how much he was rockin it out in his car...I have never seen such an animated person in their car. Total amusement the whole way home.
THEN, when I get home I had an email from one of my former co-workers at Denman, from several of my friends and one from my brother. I love getting emails! My brother's was hysterical because he told me that today when he was working he saw one of my old boyfriends from high school who looked absolutely ricidulous (yes, he is one of those boyfriends who when we broke up, I wished all the worst for him. Probably don't anymore but he still isn't my favorite person). So, very funny. And it was sunny and clear today. And I am going to eat some more ice cream tonight just because I want to. And maybe I will eat some peanut butter too. And then do some workouts to offset my splurges...maybe. And Tim and my cats are the best things in the world (yes, even better than ice cream, peanut butter, and sunny weather). The end.
And boy, was I grumpy. And tired. I worked on a client all day yesterday (Carl's Jr. aka Hardee's in the midwest) and NOTHING would work out. So frustrating. Here's where the story gets better. At lunch I left in a storm of tiredness and frustration. I went to Baja Fresh to buy a huge iced tea...hoping it would give me the second wind I needed. Well, when I went in the guy said, "With a smile like that, it's yours free." I was floored. Granted, it was only like $3.00 but he also gave me a compliment! It was a definite pick-me-up when I needed it most. I love it when people are nice. And last night I did some weight training which I haven't done in a while...it felt so good! But then I ate a bowl of ice cream which probably negated the workout, but it was excellent so I didn't really care.
Then today we were on location at Carl's and still nothing would work. So I was somewhat frustrated again but less so because I wasn't as tired. I got stuck in traffic going to and from work but it was ok because I saw a cowboy jamming in his pimped out car, I saw the most ridiculously tricked out new mini-van, and I stayed in front of a guy the whole way home simply because he was cracking me up with how much he was rockin it out in his car...I have never seen such an animated person in their car. Total amusement the whole way home.
THEN, when I get home I had an email from one of my former co-workers at Denman, from several of my friends and one from my brother. I love getting emails! My brother's was hysterical because he told me that today when he was working he saw one of my old boyfriends from high school who looked absolutely ricidulous (yes, he is one of those boyfriends who when we broke up, I wished all the worst for him. Probably don't anymore but he still isn't my favorite person). So, very funny. And it was sunny and clear today. And I am going to eat some more ice cream tonight just because I want to. And maybe I will eat some peanut butter too. And then do some workouts to offset my splurges...maybe. And Tim and my cats are the best things in the world (yes, even better than ice cream, peanut butter, and sunny weather). The end.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
A year ago this month, we were just moving into our new townhome (which we thought was pretty much the biggest mansion in the world compared to Tim's old apartment and the various Lamoni homes we had both lived in) and we had both just started new jobs- mine was the first 'real' job either of us had gotten and Tim's was just a supplemental job while he finished grad school. But these jobs meant one thing that we had never known in our college years: We had MONEY independent of our parents! It was such an amazing feeling. Independence is so great.
Being the smart, educated people that we are, after the first paycheck we decided we needed to get rid of the conglomeration of gross college furniture and buy a new bedroom set. So we spent well into the thousands of dollars after our first paycheck on a bed, two nightstands, and different decoration accents to go into our new room. We realized pretty quickly that along with this newfound money also came newfound expenses (that our parents wouldn't pay!) We experienced our first big reality check when we saw the credit card bill for the furniture, paid it off in full and then had to pay off all our other bills on top of it. We then realized that we had about $400 in our checking account, so after that shock of our first instance of not really thinking things through (budgets were stupid then), we never really finished our bedroom. It remained pretty bare last year (except of course for the bed and two nightstands).
So yesterday, we decided that now is the Time. Time to finish our room... FINALLY. (It's not that we never wanted to finish it before-after we built up some savings, but it was always hard to justify finishing it in Des Moines since the nearest Crate and Barrel was 400 miles away and as we found out the first time, shipping costs as much as another piece of furniture...) We couldn't believe it this spring when Crate and Barrel brought back the EXACT same line of white furniture that we had bought last year... it was so awesome! (It's the Newport collection-if you were wondering).
Since we have unpacked here, a dresser has been a necessity. When we moved we scraped all of the rest of our junky college stuff except for a desk and a coffee table... so our 'dresser' right now is about four huge piles of clothes in our room. It has made the room look less empty, so if you need space fillers, just throw piles of clothes all over...it really works! And it's so fun every day looking for the tank top you SWEAR you saw yesterday when you were digging the day before for the pair of pants that you SWEAR you saw the day before that... it's been like a treasure hunt every day... and if you want to be late to work EVERY SINGLE DAY, this is the way to do it. I keep expecting a prize every time I find the coveted piece of clothing I have spent 20 minutes looking for. I might actually be a little sad to lose this FUN experience once we actually have an organized bedroom... at least our dresser is backordered so for another three weeks I get be as excited as a kid at a birthday party when I run across an article of clothing I haven't seen in two months because it's been playing hide and seek with me.
Being the smart, educated people that we are, after the first paycheck we decided we needed to get rid of the conglomeration of gross college furniture and buy a new bedroom set. So we spent well into the thousands of dollars after our first paycheck on a bed, two nightstands, and different decoration accents to go into our new room. We realized pretty quickly that along with this newfound money also came newfound expenses (that our parents wouldn't pay!) We experienced our first big reality check when we saw the credit card bill for the furniture, paid it off in full and then had to pay off all our other bills on top of it. We then realized that we had about $400 in our checking account, so after that shock of our first instance of not really thinking things through (budgets were stupid then), we never really finished our bedroom. It remained pretty bare last year (except of course for the bed and two nightstands).
So yesterday, we decided that now is the Time. Time to finish our room... FINALLY. (It's not that we never wanted to finish it before-after we built up some savings, but it was always hard to justify finishing it in Des Moines since the nearest Crate and Barrel was 400 miles away and as we found out the first time, shipping costs as much as another piece of furniture...) We couldn't believe it this spring when Crate and Barrel brought back the EXACT same line of white furniture that we had bought last year... it was so awesome! (It's the Newport collection-if you were wondering).
Since we have unpacked here, a dresser has been a necessity. When we moved we scraped all of the rest of our junky college stuff except for a desk and a coffee table... so our 'dresser' right now is about four huge piles of clothes in our room. It has made the room look less empty, so if you need space fillers, just throw piles of clothes all over...it really works! And it's so fun every day looking for the tank top you SWEAR you saw yesterday when you were digging the day before for the pair of pants that you SWEAR you saw the day before that... it's been like a treasure hunt every day... and if you want to be late to work EVERY SINGLE DAY, this is the way to do it. I keep expecting a prize every time I find the coveted piece of clothing I have spent 20 minutes looking for. I might actually be a little sad to lose this FUN experience once we actually have an organized bedroom... at least our dresser is backordered so for another three weeks I get be as excited as a kid at a birthday party when I run across an article of clothing I haven't seen in two months because it's been playing hide and seek with me.
Saturday, July 9, 2005
Nostalgia for Iowa
I just ran across these pictures that we took of Iowa right before we left... I do miss a lot of different, unique things about Iowa but on the flip side I love just as many things (if not more) about our new home in Arizona.
Tuesday, July 5, 2005
Total Cali weekend and other exciting news
Tim and I just returned from a long weekend in southern california. It was so strange to just be able to drive to his parents house...it has always been so far away! It only took us about four and a half hours to get there so it was a really easy drive!
Saturday we went down to Newport Beach and had breakfast and walked around... funny thing is, we got SO sunburned. We have been so careful in Phoenix but our first day in California we fried without meaning to. Now we are just tan with some pretty funky tan lines so we might have to brave out the Phoenix sun just to even them out. Saturday night we went out to my favorite restaurant of all time, Rutabegorz. It was started 20 or 30 years ago by college students...everything they make is all natural and organic. It really is great!
We went to church sunday and got to see a ton of people we haven't seen in a while. Then we had a barbeque at Tim's parents house with some good friends-John and Mary Anne and Bobby and Kristina. It was so great to see them...we haven't seen John and Mary Anne since the wedding and it has been almost a year since seeing Bobby and Kristina. It's crazy that now we will be able to see them a lot more frequently!
We didn't do a whole lot for the fourth... we spent a good chunk of the day driving and then when we got home we spent approximately two hours doing something I would never wish upon anyone. I might post about it later but for now I think it is too disgusting to warrant writing about. Following this, we saw some pretty cool Phoenix fireworks but other than that, we had a pretty quiet night.
In other news, out of the job offers I received, I decided to accept a job with the larger firm in the valley (the one where I sounded like an idiot on the phone...although in retrospect I do think I overreacted a little bit). I talked to one of my previous managers at Denman and he solidified my thinking that a larger firm will give me more training and more career opportunities down the road. So, my first day is tomorrow and I think they are putting me out in the field already on THURSDAY! I am nervous about that because my audit work is limited but I guess it is my "training."
So today I am going to enjoy my last day off by going SHOPPING! I think I am going to go over to Scottsdale... There are so many cool things this season that I want to buy but I've been holding out until I knew we both had jobs...this moving business has been really surprisingly expensive and we even had an allowance! Then maybe I will go to the pool to try to even out my tan lines...
Saturday we went down to Newport Beach and had breakfast and walked around... funny thing is, we got SO sunburned. We have been so careful in Phoenix but our first day in California we fried without meaning to. Now we are just tan with some pretty funky tan lines so we might have to brave out the Phoenix sun just to even them out. Saturday night we went out to my favorite restaurant of all time, Rutabegorz. It was started 20 or 30 years ago by college students...everything they make is all natural and organic. It really is great!
We went to church sunday and got to see a ton of people we haven't seen in a while. Then we had a barbeque at Tim's parents house with some good friends-John and Mary Anne and Bobby and Kristina. It was so great to see them...we haven't seen John and Mary Anne since the wedding and it has been almost a year since seeing Bobby and Kristina. It's crazy that now we will be able to see them a lot more frequently!
We didn't do a whole lot for the fourth... we spent a good chunk of the day driving and then when we got home we spent approximately two hours doing something I would never wish upon anyone. I might post about it later but for now I think it is too disgusting to warrant writing about. Following this, we saw some pretty cool Phoenix fireworks but other than that, we had a pretty quiet night.
In other news, out of the job offers I received, I decided to accept a job with the larger firm in the valley (the one where I sounded like an idiot on the phone...although in retrospect I do think I overreacted a little bit). I talked to one of my previous managers at Denman and he solidified my thinking that a larger firm will give me more training and more career opportunities down the road. So, my first day is tomorrow and I think they are putting me out in the field already on THURSDAY! I am nervous about that because my audit work is limited but I guess it is my "training."
So today I am going to enjoy my last day off by going SHOPPING! I think I am going to go over to Scottsdale... There are so many cool things this season that I want to buy but I've been holding out until I knew we both had jobs...this moving business has been really surprisingly expensive and we even had an allowance! Then maybe I will go to the pool to try to even out my tan lines...
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