Case in point: yesterday and this sentence: IT IS SO HARD FOR ME TO ACCEPT HELP.
First lesson: mountain bike riding with Justin yesterday. What I said, and how I acted: it sucked. It was brutal. I got passed by a goddamn RUNNER. I was ungraceful and all over the place. I ate shit. A lot. I was a stubborn ass that reused to accept his help, because I HAD THIS. I could do it on my own. I did this for about 45 minutes. There were a lot of 4 letter words (sorry to the couple that heard a symphony as I came flying out of an opening in the trail and scarred them for life with the amount of f-bombs generated). Towards the end of the ride, I realized (and DON'T TELL MY HUSBAND), it would probably behoove me to accept his help. He said stand up, straight legs. Being as I was behind him, because why would I let him watch me and help me, I started to mimic what he was doing and WHAT DO YOU KNOW. It worked. Huh. Well that's fascinating.
And you know what? My accepting the help and advice, the last 30 minutes of the ride were enjoyable. I was able to climb and descend much better, and actually it seemed....easier. I was able to enjoy what we were doing, and how nice the day was.
Second lesson: the countless people offering to help with Oliver right now. Bringing food. Ordering bracelets. Giving gift cards. Offering to come clean. Playing with and watching the kids. Giving and giving and giving. I am not going to lie, this has been very uncomfortable. Especially to those of us that are NOT the cancer patient and are externally FINE. We are FINE. I am still working (albeit remotely), although Justin/Colleen/Oliver are obviously not really working right now (which is to say, financially we are ok.... although bracing for the medical bill impact... HELLO!) We are able to make meals. We are able to clean. We are able to care for the kids. Kind of like in the above- I am ABLE to ride a bike. But you know what? When I just let go of my ego and my stupid stubborn ass-ness (that's a word!), it makes the effort EASIER. Similarly, when we all let go of our ego and allow people that WANT to offer help and assistance to us right now, it makes our life so much easier. We are able to refocus more on Oliver and his care, and enjoying the good moments with him (and it takes some of the burden in the bad moments).
It has been so hard, though, as someone who has a bit of a chip and wants to prove I don't need anything or anyone. Like I said, stubborn ass-ness.
But the world shoved in my face: Yes, you do need help. Allow it. Embrace it. You don't owe anything in return, except to offer the same to anyone else down the road who may be in the same position. People are giving to us what we need, and don't even know what we need. The generosity has been so completely profound and humbling. Like I have said before, you know your tribe, and then in certain moments of clarity, you really KNOW your tribe. It's been a lesson of learning to accept help, to embrace help, to not feel like I have to repay anyone, and to expand my "family" of sorts to all of these amazing people that are so graciously giving to us. Who know us, and our needs before we can even see them.
I guess all of this to say- like the mountain bike ride- it makes it easier when we accept the help. It makes the ride flow. It makes it seamless. It allows us to enjoy the bumps more so than if we were trying to do so on our own. The gratitude we have for everyone who has stepped in to reach out a hand, in whatever way, has truly been eye opening and another life changing lesson in this whole experience.
We started off the day at 4:30am yesterday, and I did something that I haven't done in years by joining Justin as he went to work at the gym in Bellevue! When Justin and I met, it was at the gym. I worked in the same building, and before we were even dating, we were friends but we would see who beat each other to the building first (me going to the office, him going to work at the gym). I'm not sure who ultimately won those races, although I tend to think probably me (ha!), but needless to say, it's been a LONG time since I have been anywhere except for home at 6am. Without kids, I figured, why not?
It was fun to see some of Justin's clients that I haven't seen in a really long time, before we had a gym at our house and when I went to Bellevue more frequently to work out. Proof that I made it here! It's been probably 8 months since I last was at the gym in Bellevue. Also, another example of needing Justin's assistance: I am SO MUCH MORE SORE when he trains me than when I do it alone. That's a good thing.
Back at home, Oliver was up and ready to tackle the day. The night prior, his fever spike up to over 99 and so we were a little worried we might be heading back to the ER (if it is over 100.4 for an hour or if it reaches 100.9 at all, that is the ticket in). Everyone said, "welcome home, Jenn" and braced for it....but, luckily, it came right back down within a few hours. Phew, crisis averted!
Boys in Kansas City with grandma and grandpa, enjoying some down time with tablets. They had a good night and apparently didn't wake anyone up!
First up for them on the agenda: LEGOLAND!
Oliver and Colleen took advantage of another "feeling good" day for Oliver- the break between treatments, and headed to see Rocketman. I know that this was really good for him to get out of the house and do some "normal" stuff, versus being stuck at the house like a sick patient. They also headed to Costco!
While they were at Costco, we were on our bike ride!
After we got back from our ride, we had some friends drop by 200 more bracelets (yes!). Forgot to take a picture, but was so nice to visit with them! And then, another friend, Collette (Owen's original nanny), brought by a big bucket "energy kit" of homemade chicken soup for the big guy. As I said, amazing friends we have.... a thank you doesn't quite cover it.
Lexi came over around dinner, and after dinner we all got out for a walk. Pictured here: Oliver modeling his new crocs (thanks Nick and Dawit!)
We had challenged Oliver to make it around the entire neighborhood loop by Monday. Must have been something in the air last night, as we did the whole loop last night- overachiever! This was about 3-4x as far as he's gone the last few days, with a giant climb in there.
The kids back in Kansas City were wrapping up their day at the water park, where they had loads of fun! I mean, how could you not- kids with grandparents and swimming in the summer. Good memories being made there!
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