Today, I left Kansas City- and my kids with my parents- to head back to Seattle. Flying at 35,000 feet today, the overwhelming feeling was... a bit of sadness. I hate leaving my kids. I mean, I love it, and I NEED a break from them sometimes (whoever doesn't, I want to meet you and also, I think you are lying!) But, I still hate leaving them despite needing to do so every once in a while. All of that said, there was some amount of feeling sorry for myself on the plane- some sort of introspect. For the summer that was going to be, for the unfairness of everything Oliver is going through, everything that is definitely not as it should be or as planned. For nothing going according to script. Today, if we had followed the "plan," we should have been driving to Kentucky to enjoy a few days sans kids: complete with golf, bourbon, and alone time. It's a time that is always special to us, and deviating from that felt... sad. But again, it's really more the whole of everything- occasionally, although mostly now we are in the thick of this battle and are somewhat numb to what we are dealing with- it hits.... man, this SUCKS that this kid has to go through this (it always sucks, but sometimes more overwhelmingly emotional about it than others). I had to check myself as this feeling came over me- the punch to the heart about everything- the unplanned, the cancer, the leaving my kids, the "what should have been", the unfairness, the feeling sorry for all of us.
Life is funny, because here we are, DESPITE our best plans and intentions. In the midst of THIS. The big smack on the ass that rearranged all of our thinking. And not just that, but our lives. FUNNY ENOUGH, we have ZERO control over anything in life. ZERO. What a logical statement that is, THAT WE ALL KNOW, but if you are like me, you fight that sentiment to the core. What do you mean I have no control? Ok, middle finger, YES I DO. Nope. I don't. We don't. YOU DON'T. We are all living testament to that statement. Justin is. Colleen is. I am. And Oliver, out of anyone, is. Rest assured that if any of us could have controlled any of this and changed course, even slightly, we would have done everything in our power to do so. The ONLY thing you have control over is how you respond to what life throws at you in the PRESENT MOMENT. Profound (and obvious), I know. As a numbers person that wants things to be black and white, and wants to control, well, everything, I can tell you that in no way, shape or form, would I have envisioned these past few weeks and these next few months as they are turning out to be. But you know what occurred to me on the plane as I left my kids 2,000 miles away and was slightly feeling sorry for all of us?
MAYBE IT'S BETTER.
Or not only that, maybe it's ENOUGH.
I had tattooed on me a while ago words that meant something to me. Enough. Grateful.
I have enough. I am enough. I do enough. It IS enough. I am grateful.
A reminder that I often am remiss to acknowledge and forget, and felt those words speak to me deep enough to have them permanently ingrained on my wrist. A constant reminder of what I need to be thinking and telling myself.
It didn't even come from this place of knowing Oliver had cancer. It came from a different time and place in my life WELL before cancer. I often struggled with feeling "enough." Beeing a good enough mother. Being a good enough wife. Being enough. Having enough. DOING enough. Living up and showing up to life and calling that GOOD ENOUGH. And then the second part of that, being grateful for everything that I can do, have done, do have, everything that I am.
All of this, this whole experience?
Exacerbates this sentiment, almost creepily. It makes me take pause even more now when I look down and at the relevance now. I took a step back, looked out that plane window, and thought well SHIT. No one could wish for this EVER, but look at WHAT it has brought. Right this second, it's not necessary to be sad and also Jenn, shut your stupid brain up: it is THIS MOMENT and it is THIS MOMENT. This moment I can choose to be grateful for what I am able to do. It's enough, and it's something even more. I get to be there for my family. We get to relish that despite the ugliness and shittiness of this whole situation, our family is more extended and closer than it has ever been, in a way we couldn't have created otherwise. My kids get to enjoy some alone time with grandparents that I would ultimately ruin by vetoing shit food and all their "fun" that is a treat with grandma and grandpa. I get to spend time with Oliver prior to round 2. I get to continue to know Colleen and I have heard I even get to meet some of her close friends. I get to be present for the other visitors who come through our door. I may even get to sneak in a bike ride and alone time with my husband.
There is so much to be grateful for.
Maybe sometimes things often go as planned and our lives line up in neat little boxes, perfectly according to that plan, but so often they don't. It's on us to be flexible and embrace the flow when they don't. Through this- the lesson (of many!) is-- what we can control is how we respond to that in the ONLY moment we can control: right this second. Even more relevant as all of us start to get anxious about round 2 starting soon. As Justin says: moment by moment. We will get through this. And through it all... we have each other. We are enough. We are grateful.
Phew. That was a lot of revelation for one plane ride.
Day 21 in pics:
Bennett and I cuddling in the am. He wanted to take selfies. Ok, kid! I look... tired.
My parents took the kids to a trampoline place in the morning, while I stayed behind to get a little bit of work done. Apparently the jumpy place was SO COOL according to the little guys, partly because they got "sticky socks!"
While they were gone, since I figured I would be on an airplane for a large chunk of the day, I decided to go for a little walk. I tried to take a couple of selfies to hopefully show how miserable walking in 95% humidity and 90 degrees is... but I don't think I adequately captured it. IT WAS HOT. BONUS! In all of my cancer reading lately, I have learned 1) everyone has cancer cells (it just is how an individual's body responds to them which determine if they develop 2) Sunshine is a natural medicine that helps eradicate cancer cells and 3) Saunas and heat therapy also eradicate them. SO, that walk: sunshine and sauna...I for SURE killed off some good cancer cells in that hour!
Uncle Jon showed up a little while later to take me to the airport. He also put together some ninja turtles for the boys. They were ENTRALLED.
Waving goodbye to the boys and grandma and grandpa (the boys in their ninja turtle headbands)!
While we were having ninja turtle fun, and I was making the trek to the airport with Jon, Oliver, Colleen, and Justin all took a walk down to the river in a sunshine break.
Today had a couple of visitors for Ollie and team as well: Jan (one of Colleen's good friends) and Katie (one of Oliver's best friends from high school).
Walk time after dinner! I got home from the airport as they were walking and drove up next to them.
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