Day 18: June 24, 2019

Day 18. It seems symbolic, although I have no idea why. Sometimes I get a really good feeling about what day we are in the process, and sometimes I don't. I feel good about day 18. Maybe it's because it's close to the magical 20. Because OG is feeling golden. It's sunny, and things are relatively...good (and knock on wood). We are still deep in the weeds of this stuff, but for all intents and purposes, these good days will fuel any bad that is to come. I have to believe that.


One thing that I have been thinking about is, again, a theme that I have eluded to before: how things can so quickly change on a dime. And not only just LIFE and what we consider to be "normal" life, but trains of thought and patterns. If you had asked me a few months ago how my summer would look, and what my plans were for 2019, it probably would have centered around some certain work goals I had and how I was going to achieve those this year barreling ahead full force. I think most people would say that I am pretty driven and keep a pretty aggressive work schedule for myself. I tend to be all-in, although I do try to achieve enough of a balance to make it to all the kids extracurricular stuff and be home most nights for dinner with them even during busy season (January-April), but that said, I have tended to not be very gracious with myself if I do not meet certain goals I set for myself, in both the work and personal regards. As you can imagine this is not really achievable even in the best of times, and so I often feel I am falling short in one respect or the other. I am hard on myself if I feel like I am not 100% for work and for my family, which again as anyone who is a working parent knows, it's NEVER possible to be 100% at both. During busy season, I am probably 100%+ work, and so my work drive is especially bad after coming out of busy season in April, when all of a sudden I go from all work ALL the time, to slowing the hell down, and whoa, what do I do with myself now. Quick shift back to more personal things, which is hard- let's face it- often times work is easier (almost an escape) than dealing with 4 and 6 year olds who are pushing buttons.


When something like this happens, (THE C WORD) you start to realize how superfluous that stuff can be- I mean, in the big picture sense. I like my work. I DO get fulfillment out of it. But at the end of the day, whether I hit the 50 work goals I had for myself this or scale it back to deal with some super big scary stuff and do JUST GOOD ENOUGH to serve my clients, grow my business, and engage my team, I'm still doing my job. It is not a requirement that I am always killing it. I wouldn't say that's been a hard pill to swallow lately, but it's been a different pill to swallow. Like I said, a change in pattern and train of thought. It's almost like in some sick way the universe was like hey, you are MISSING THE POINT of life, let's just slow the hell down, throw your world in to a ball so you can readjust what is actually important. Your family. Your health. Your job, but not to the detriment of the other things especially in moments like these. Enjoying the present. Looking at the blue sky. Feeling the coolness of the raindrops. Focusing inward, and outward in the appropriate ways ad readjusting expectation of yourself, and life.


And you know what's crazy? While allowing myself grace to be with my family during this time, work has gone on. I have continued working but in a way that doesn't detract from my family (and I know how lucky I am that I have been able to do this). I have scaled back in a way in which others have been able to step up. And despite not being completely head down and in,  I have STILL MET  MY GOALS, or at least the ones I really cared about and the others, I realized weren't that important to begin with- they were just a way to occupy my time. Crazy how life just goes on and everything works out, even if how you thought you would spend your time isn't how you actually ended up spending your time and energy.


Again, all of this to say, a lot of big revelations coming out of a not so fun scenario.


Day 18.


First up today: Owen helping with breakfast! 

Little guys... summer break day 1 for Bennett, week 2 day 1 for Owen. It might be a slightly long summer. SAVE US.

Justin also got a call from SCCA first thing this morning, from Oliver's nurse who was just checking in to see how things were going post-release from hospital. There was a lot of conversation surrounding a port vs PIC line, or just staying with IV's. The nurse was pushing us in the direction of a port in the case that we have to do any additional rounds of chemo, and due to the risk of infection with pic's. Additionally, she did make it sound like things could be pretty gnarly in round 2-3, and so getting IVs could get difficult. I believe her words were, "I hate to burst your bubble right now, but it could get worse." We know, but again, relishing in the good days. Everyone we talk to seems to have a different opinion in port vs pic vs nothing. It's just like the meds. We are told 1000 different things, and no one really agrees. I suppose that's how it is with anything in life- everyone has a slightly different opinion on one thing, and no one is really 100% right or wrong.

Boys playing more slot cars and Colleen joining in on the fun when she and Oliver woke up.

We took a trip today to the post office to mail out the first of our packages of bracelets! Yes!

We also played a little bit with snap chat filters today with Oliver.... way more of this to come as the day progressed.  

As he said this morning, he was about  2 stars (or 8 depending on how you view the scale) out of 10, so pretty good! He took some indica tincture last night to help him sleep and it seemed to work like a charm. 98 degree temp throughout the night, so again, minor victories! And compared to the "victories" in the weeks prior when we were just excited to get him sitting in a chair for a few minutes? Not even a close comparison. Still doing jigs all over the place at how far we have come since week 1 and 2.

Mid afternoon, a very good friend of mine dropped by such a sweet surprise. A bunch of pre-labeled, pre-stamped envelopes with the return address of "cancer ass kicking HQ." YES! WE LOVE IT! It was such a thoughtful thing, so again, anyone who wants bracelets... you will now get one in one of these suckers. It was so nice to have a chat with a good friend- one of those people who is down to earth, and you can pick up right where you left off.  Again, one of the army, and one of those people that when you have in your court, you know you are winning at life big time.  More to come on the generosity of people and the help that has been offered- I can't quite put it in to words yet, but I will get there.

Oliver and Lexi hung out this afternoon, and again, SO amazing to see Oliver up and out in the world.

Little brother thought it was SO cool to watch what Oliver was doing tonight on the tablet. And I think that Oliver was actually enjoying showing him as well.

And more fun with snap chat filters!

Bennett looks like such a beautiful girl. Ha!

Oliver as a girl. OH MY GOSH. LOOKS LIKE LAURA! That is insane!

And Owen looks like me as a girl. Ha!

Bennett with brown hair.

And Justin as a girl... hilarious.

After we played with snap chat filters, we took a family walk. I KNOW, WHAT EVEN IS THIS MADNESS. A WALK! This was like in week one when the SCCA team asked us if Oliver was walking around the house and we were like, uh he's damn near comatose, he barely even makes it to the bathroom? But A WALK. OUTSIDE. As in, like, DOWN THE STREET.

It wasn't exercise, it wasn't far, but it was a walk. In the beautiful evening, to enjoy the air, the sun, the summer, and observe all the beauty around us. That sounds sappy, but it is SO TRUE. And more amazing was that Oliver was WALKING WITH US. My mind is still a bit blown by the realities of cancer and treatment, and how this is our reality now versus the full blown hospital/comatose version of the Oliver at the start.

We also made a pit stop at the neighbors for the boys to show Oliver and Colleen the pump track they love.

More support of #oliverstrong that we received today. We are loving these and it really gives Oliver a spark every time we show him the people rocking these in his name.

I saw this quote today and it hit me deep. It occurred to me that there was a lot of truth in this that I recognized but hadn't quite put a finger on yet. We've had our share of breaking points. There may be more. We are realists to this process already and the highs and lows- we KNOW there will be more. There have been tears. Terror. Fear. Panic. Utter gut wrenching helplessness seeing your kid in pain. In convulsions. With a complete veil over himself so that he is unrecognizable to you.

But after each of those breaking points, you come out that much stronger. Almost to the point where you aren't even impacted by it anymore. As in: upon first hearing the words "cancer", you died. You freaked out. Now, you are past THAT breaking point. It isn't "normal" by you also have a calm presence about it. Like yeah, whatever, we have cancer and it's no longer a word that takes your breath away. There are moments that continue to take your breath away and surprise and shock you, but you get past each of these "breaking points," if you will, and you come out stronger on the other side. I wouldn't recommend doing this for anyone who wants to get a handle on their strength, but I will say this: the strength of a family and the human spirit in a challenging time is nothing short of resilient. We continue to plow onward, even in moments that seem to be the lowest of lows and we draw on the strength of the moments we have overcome before and the hope in the moments we have experienced and defined as good.