A swipe, er, mutilation of the cervix.

So. I'm not even really sure what to say or where to start.

Oh, I know: for anyone that doesn't care for too much information, stop reading now.

The story: Remember in this post when I said that the gynecologist had called me to see why I hadn't scheduled a colposcopy because my annual pap smear came back abnormal? Right. So, I call in to schedule this stupid colposcopy which NO ONE TOLD ME I NEEDED FOR THREE MONTHS (first annoyance) and which I then found out I needed when I was having wine with a girlfriend in Kansas City. I guess, truthfully, if you have to be thoroughly annoyed, that's probably one of the best possible situations. HOWEVER. Being made to feel like you have cancer in that situation? Kind of ruins the girls wine night mood...at least until more of the bottle is consumed.

Anyhow, after that, I called to make an appointment the next day to schedule this. Basically a colposcopy is a procedure to take a closer look at the cervix and the abnormal cells. They tell me they can't get me in for 5-6 weeks (second annoyance). Ok, you make someone feel like they could potentially have cervical cancer and then the next day proceed to NOT get them into the doctor. Are you kidding me? So they backtrack and tell me that it's fairly common for these things to come back abnormal. Right. Well, THAT wasn't the initial impression I got. THANKS.

So 5-6 weeks later? On October 15? I'm in the damn waiting room freaking out just slightly about this procedure I'm about to have. Of COURSE I wait for about 10 years before I get in to a room (third annoyance) and THEN?! THEN?! They take me back to The Room, which is the Special Room for this procedure. They tell me it will only be 5 minutes until the doctor gets in to me. In the meantime, they've left reading material for me on the chair/bed/whatever the hell form of torture this thing is called that I have to sit my ass to WAIT MORE. And not only is this uncomfortable as I'm surrounded by the foot straddles, it's also about negative forty degrees in this room (fourth annoyance).

Oh, and let's just talk about this "reading material."

It's a pamphlet called "Surviving and Understanding Cancer" and the various stages of cervical cancer and how to treat them and all about what they look like and the various courses cervical cancer runs.

GREAT.

So basically what these assholes are telling me as I'm alone and wrapped in some paper skirt shit with no pants on and freezing my ass off is that I'm also dying of cancer. I mean, how much more direct can you get with 10 pages of reading ON CANCER when you're there for abnormal cells that are supposedly "common"? So I'm completely freaking out. Feeling nauseous. Thinking of how to tell my family. Trying to decide how the hell this would happen. I've been totally careful, I take care of myself, is it just a fluke thing? Will I have to go through chemo? Oh wait, refer to pamphlet, chemo is totally dependent on the stage of the cells. Right. Ok, well we'll wait to figure out how bad it is. But my god, it HAS to be bad because, oh shit, they gave me ALL of this reading material. WHY didn't they elude to how bad it was before? I could have gone to another doctor. 4 months is a long time in terms of the grow of cancerous cells right? The stupid booklet doesn't say anything about this. Fuck fuck fuck. And what about Justin? And my job. And my family. And everyone and thing that I love so goddamn much. And ohmygodohmygodohmygod. Fuckfuckfuck.

Was seriously freaking out. Crying. Getting completely worked up. And then calming myself down: you will be ok, you are strong, you have done everything right, you have been through some bad shit, you have a great support network, you will be ok you will be ok you will be ok.

I WENT THROUGH A FORM OF THIS HELL FOR 40 GODDAMN MINUTES. Apparently someone was in labor and that demanded more of the doctor's attention than the fact that I'm practically planning my funeral.

40 minutes in that state, wrapped in a paper skirt, freezing, alone, and basically scared shitless with a what to do when you have terminal cancer booklet versus a casual 5 minute wait? (fifth annoyance).

So the doctor comes in.

I'm shaking.

Just tell me what the news is.

I spread eagle in the stirrups, she comments on how cold/shaky I am (NO SHIT SHERLOCK, wouldn't you be?), and takes a peek with the colposcopy microscope. Her first words: I don't even see any abnormal cells.

Excuse me, what the FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?

No abnormal cells.

Again? Blink. What?

Her response? Pap smears can often times come back abnormal but there is no abnormality. Huh. WELL MAYBE NEXT TIME SKIP THE CANCER PAMPHLET? Just a thought.

So then, she keeps poking around and sees a couple of cells that she says look "funny." Ok, so maybe the whole cancer reading was right and the cells were just hiding. Commence shaking. She decides to take a biopsy of them to make sure. Fine.

She takes two biopsy's. THAT, by the way, HURT LIKE BLOODY HELL. Like the worst cramps EVER and she was yanking the absolute HELL out of my cervix to get the chunk out. I'm pretty sure I heard it tear. Um, OWWWW. And then tells me: I think these are nothing.

Seriously. Not only do I go through this massive freakout but then you tear out my cervix to tell me they are nothing? SERIOUSLY?

Oook. Better to be safe than sorry? I have no idea at this point, I'm just so overwhelmed and have WAY too many emotions going on, not to mention, a throbbing uterus and cervix.

Fast forward. Turns out? Biopsy results? Absolutely no issue at all. No abnormal cells, no dysplasia (a fancy word for abnormal cells)...must have just been a fluke reading.

BIGGEST ANNOYANCE YET.

You mean to tell me that I freaked the fuck out for a good portion of my day, lost two chunks of my cervix, had cramps as a result for the remainder of the day, paid $200 for this stupid procedure only to know that I am 100% healthy with absolutely nothing wrong and there was NO ISSUE TO START, instead the issue was the fact that your screening was faulty but then you decided you could bill me more for additional procedures, just to eventually tell me what you already probably knew from the start: there was nothing wrong?

You have got to be freaking kidding me. This kind of thing just annoys the hell out of me. Waste of time, waste of money, waste of a small fraction of my sanity when I was beyond scared. I guess on the positive side, at least I know that everything is ok. But it is still all very annoying. And a prime example of some of the biggest issues in western medicine.

Deep breath.