Ready for the annual rant? You better buckle up and have a while because it's also going to be about 5 posts in one. (and if you are grossed out by talks of doctors or anything of the sort, skip this post altogether).
Remember my rant last year on why I really despise the lady doctor? NO? Well, refresh. It's right here for your reference. If you're too lazy to go there (trust me, I don't blame you), here's the cliff notes version along side an update for this year (from when I went several weeks ago). Last year, I outlined quite a few things that I absolutely HATE (not even a strong enough word) about the lady doctor.
Last year I hated:
1) The freak out of the innocent bystander (me) standing beside someone who was quite literally minutes away from giving birth in the elevator. This year, I didn't quite have that experience exactly (thank god) so things started off on an immensely better foot. Although, I did follow all four people in the elevator to the same damn doctor's office so I knew I'd be waiting for a while.
2) The waiting room. Yeah, not any better. Kids were insane, and in the midst of the insanity of the kids and uncomfortable looking soon-to-be moms, I waited for at LEAST an hour as the true outlier of the group...late twenties, not pregnant, no kids. In other words, no kids, no problem- welcome to wait time. What.in.the.hell. (And the irony in this is that they call me the day before to tell me to be EARLY...really?)
3) The actual appointment and peeing in a cup. Yes, I still hate this. But this year, the nurse told me more about how they actually analyze my pee... oh how joyful that was to watch her spin the little color wheel as she is holding my cup of pee (awkward learning experience?)
4) The up-sell. Two years ago it was a cluster of blood tests, last year it was the triple crown of shots. This year? Oh yes, you better believe it there was another upsell. This year: OH, because I haven't had my period since going off the pill 6 months ago (because I hate it... have I mentioned this here? Oh maybe I should back up.
I went off the pill because I hate it, it's evil and there's no point in taking it if you are a responsible adult and are willing to take two minutes a day to avoid pregnancy naturally. SO. I consider myself to want to be natural and I am a mildly responsible adult at least when not under the influence of bourbon, therefore, I chucked the pill in a dramatic effort one day late last April (actually Justin did this for me...bye bye evil crazy pills) and am now practicing the more natural methods of birth control that no one ever talks about so that I can get my body back to normal eventually... another blog post, another day- oh there has been so much to learn!)
ANYWAY.
The doctor basically told me that was crap, this "natural thing" and I needed to dope up and stop taking my temperature because it doesn't matter. Um, HI. I just TOLD YOU I am doing this naturally. That THIS is what is important to me. And then I'm thinking, the 60 pound, unhealthy looking, overweight doctor is telling me not to be natural and to pop drugs. Huh. What part of popping a god damn pill is natural? So since I refused to do that? Blood tests to see if she can support her solution of putting me on more hormones even though I just ditched the fake hormones of one variety. Fine. Do the freaking blood tests and let my blood prove to you that everything is NORMAL.
ENTER EXHIBIT A:
Oh yes, the lovely war wound of blood draws. (they took about 5 vials, not kidding).
And one more shot. It should be noted that this was taken about 5 DAYS after the actual draw, too. Yeah. So. Choice words for you, doc.
And since I'm writing this in retrospect, I can tell you the results: GO FIGURE, absolutely everything in the blood tests came back normal. Huh. When I got that call the nurse said, "But we still think we should put you on progesterone to jump start your periods, " I nicely asked what the point was when all my tests were measuring normal. If they are normal, my body is normal, so eventually it will get it itself, right? She hemmed and hawed and eventually said, "well, yes." At which point, I said, "Well, then no thank you for trying to up-sell me more things I don't need."
AND THEN.
"But it does appear that you aren't vaccinated against Rubella." And I'm all, "WTF is Rubella?" And the nurse asks me if I ever plan on having kids and I say yes, we'd hope we'd be so lucky and she then proceeds to tell me that if I don't get vaccinated against Rubella pretty much RIGHT THIS SECOND, I am going to kill whatever baby I eventually have if I'm not vaccinated against this disease.
OH MY GOODNESS.
I understand what Rubella is and how there can be harmful affects if you do get it while pregnant. That being said, I also believe in some way, there are ways to treat things naturally so that your body does the vaccinating for you. Call me a hippie if you want, but I truly believe that. So that I don't get on my soap box of all things wrong with Western medicine vs. taking a more natural approach, I'll stop here but let me tell you: the upsell this year was RIDICULOUS. As one of my largest clients happens to be a doctor practice, I find this laughable.
5) The fifth thing I hated last year was freezing in basically nothing while the doctor talks about everything under the moon after you've been waiting and trying to grow a fur coat on your body after freezing for a million years in a little sheet that doesn't close behind your bum. And the doctor comes in and talks and talks and you're all like, "DUDE, I'm FREEZING my ass off, can we please just get this over with before I become an ice cube?" Yep, nothing has changed there.
6) The whole body exam. Still a violation. Still hate it. Still sucks. A necessary evil I guess.
And of course, again, I have an abnormal pap smear. Hey, at least this year they told me in a timely manner and not 6 months later while I was having wine with a girlfriend... Remember that whole debacle from last year? Refresh by clicking here, if you choose. They wanted to mutilate my damn cervix AGAIN but neglected to tell me that my 6 month earlier pap was abnormal until I was at home in Kansas City drinking wine with a girlfriend....at which point, they make you feel like you have cancer and you are drinking wine which makes EVERYTHING more dramatic so you're all, "OMG, CJ, I have cancer, this might be the last time I EVER have wine with you or am EVER home again!!" Right. Well.
Every year since I've started going to this doctor I have an abnormal pap smear. Every damn year. They call you, treat you like you are pretty much dying of cancer and tell you to schedule a colposcopy. This is a very lovely procedure where they stick more metal and awkward devices that should NEVER see the inside of any vagina, much less fit in there. This all allows the doctor to see "MAYBE" mild dysplasia but they eventually decide to rip out a chunk of your cervix anyway "just to be sure" after you've already spent 40 mintues freaking out at the reading materials in the room that read "how to cope with terminal illness" or "how to survive cancer." And the chunk they rip out? For all of you that have never had this done, imagine cutting a dime size ball out of the most sensitive part of your body. No numbing, just going for it. And not a quick swipe, you take it out and then you kind of dig and dig and rip just to make sure if fully comes out. Good mental picture? Ok, now times how that feels by about 100. (And I have a high pain threshold- note the running on the almost exploding achilles tendon for 9 months!) At the end of all of this ordeal... thinking you're dying of cancer, then to freaking out, then to experiencing more pain in your cervix than you ever should, you're told, "Oh, there's absolutely no abnormal cells at all. Fluke test." RIGHT.
So, this year, what I'm gathering is that you're telling me I have to go through this MASSIVE upsell in this stupid test that has been repeatedly a "fluke" AGAIN? You are fucking shitting me. And also, I would like to punch you in the nose. And then the throat. And for good measure, then I would like you to tear out a chunk of YOUR cervix that has nothing wrong with it and give me a few thousand bucks for your pain... then we can talk about how this all feels. And, also, I am calling your bluff, doc.
I'm going to stop here because this is long and I'm just annoyed with all of this. I think that the moral of the story in this all is that I need a new OB doctor. And stat. Mine can currently consider herself fired.
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