Holy shit.
And so since then, I've been silently battling myself on: do I broach the taboo topic or not? Do I keep this website contained to: what's in the past is in the past or do I just GO THERE?
Well, obviously, I'M THERE. It's my website, I can talk about what I want and since it's also my history, well, YEP, I'm just going to go there. I generally do not care what people do or don't think about what I write about, thus, the lack of ability to leave comments (I did have that function at one time). I figure, if you don't like what I write about, you won't read it. If you do, you will. Or if it's just like watching a train wreck, well, hopefully it's entertaining. And if you really have to contact me to tell me your opinion which I don't really care about anyway THUS THE LACK OF COMMENTS, you know to go to the profile section and there's a huge button called CONTACT. Everyone just went there, huh? I know some of you know how to utilize that since I've gotten the feedback.
Anyway. Point is: 5 years ago today I married my college sweetheart. All at once it feels like it was yesterday and a million years ago all in the same second. I think if I had to choose, I'd opt for the million years side of things since I NEVER in a million years would have envisioned everything that's happened in the last 5 years on that day- September 25, 2004. And as much as I love my life now, I never would have pictured it in any way, shape, or form 5 years ago- at least in the way that exists now, aside from the happiness that this life brings me. That is the one thing that I have always demanded and is part of the reason that the path I've been on over the course of these past 5 years has been what it has.
I've never really talked about getting divorced on this website nor any of that time period where I rarely posted... because I couldn't. My life was consumed by turmoil and I couldn't write about it. I mean first of all, why would I really want to? Secondly, there were two people involved and I have a little bit more class than to disrespect the other person in this situation, who I did love, will always appreciate and love in many ways, so to get into the details was too personal, too raw, was actually something that I couldn't write about...surprisingly there are lines that I try not to cross. Thirdly, it was depressing. Which leads back to #1: why would I want to remind myself- much less anyone else- of those dark days? I'm not sure that I will ever really post about it to the full extent that I could. I don't need to. Those that know me well were there with me through it, they know the intimate details, they never judged and they still are in my life at the end of the day. If you don't know the intimate details, well, there's probably a reason for that and I don't need to justify anything to you. I made the best decisions I could, I have no regrets. And I truly believe that the path that was taken has led us both to better places.
That's not to say that it wasn't difficult. It was gut wrenching, throw yourself in a hole and want to hide forever EXCRUCIATING. Especially when on the one hand you hurt like hell and then on the other hand you have to put on a brave face, like YOU KNOW you're turning your life inside out, over and over and giving up everything and YES, you know you're letting go of the perfect guy and the perfect life but really, you convince everyone that you're fine, you know what you're doing, it's the best decision, everything is PERFECT. YEAH RIGHT. And has anyone seen the rants lately on how I've been judged about the puppy? WOW, divorce is NO COMPARISON. MULTIPLE DIVORCE BY A MILLION. And then multiple it by a million again. Everyone has an opinion, everyone judges, you lose friends, you lose family. AS IF IT'S NOT ENOUGH THAT YOU'RE ALREADY LOSING YOUR EVERY DAY LIFE AS YOU KNOW IT. Even IF it's the "BEST DECISION" (my phrase of the day for a year or two there). Hey, but thanks for telling me I'm doing everything wrong. I mean, really, don't you think that maybe I'm fighting those doubts MYSELF?
There are days when you just want to tell people to fuck off and mind their own business. And you probably do. There are many days where you put on the facade that everything is ok. It's not. These are the days in which you silently battle against yourself. The days in which you just want to hit the delete button to delete the series of events that got you to that place so that you can go back to your "safe" place and live a safe, but mediocre and not 100% happy and fulfilled life forever. Somedays you manage to convince yourself and everyone else that it's all ok. And there are days where you are so scared you can barely move. Or you just want to rewind the clock so that you can just start over, erase everything, try again. You wonder, are there do-overs in life? Can I please use mine?
And then at what appears to be the end of it all, but really it's just somewhere in the middle, you look back at the really, really, awful year or two you had and you realize that your life is in shambles. TORN TO SHREDS, UNRECOGNIZABLE TYPE OF SHAMBLES. And you're not really sure what you're doing about ANYTHING, all you know is that you just want to feel ok again, to feel whole, to feel safe, loved, to know you made the right decision when daily you're reminded that you just suck and you made the wrong decision over and over and over again. And you make a million wrong decisions about EVERYTHING, because your head just isn't in life. And one of those wrong decisions hits you like a ton of bricks the one day that you realize that it's taken you 3 HOURS just to figure out how to make a sandwich and you ended up spreading mayonnaise instead of jam but you don't even notice until you've tasted mayonnaise mixed with peanut butter and YOU DON'T EVEN CARE THAT IT'S THE MOST DISGUSTING THING YOU'VE EVER TASTED. And you finally start to wake up just a little bit to realize you really need to get it together. REALLY. LIKE START LIVING LIFE AGAIN. SOMEHOW. PULL IT TOGETHER. But everything feels like a mess and so confusing and sometimes you have to remind yourself to breathe and you're just not in it.
You have conversations you don't remember, you go through the motions, you go to work and pray that you can get through the day without royally screwing up like you screwed up the sandwich, you become someone that's just there but not really there but you don't even really recognize yourself and you try to put on the act that you have it together when inside you feel like a giant discombobulated puzzle that somehow needs to be put back together for everything to function normally again in your life but you can't even tell what the picture is to start assembling it. And the one thing that you can think, you DO think a million times, the one repeating and resounding thought- WHY did I do this to myself? I had everything. What is wrong with me? Am I crazy? Should I just go ahead and commit myself to a psychiatric suite? Or was I just following my gut? How did I get here?
And you look at the wedding pictures, the total 7 years of pictures you were together, you listen to music, you hug your cats, you look around at this life you helped to create. And you cry. Silently. Privately. Behind closed doors. The tears that won't end when you're finally alone, you don't have to be strong anymore and can just allow yourself to feel the break, the pain you have inadvertently caused. But really, what did you expect? Were you really that naive? You cry until it feels like you have dried up every organ in your body and your eyes will remain swollen shut for YEARS. You cry because you did love, you did want it to work, you weren't being malicious by ending it, you never wanted to hurt anyone and then EVERYONE was affected, aside from just the two of you- partly because of what was happening to your relationship and partly because what was happening to your relationship and the resulting affects on YOU personally and your inability to be yourself and recognize yourself and function normally. You truly just felt as though something was missing, that he deserved more than you felt like you could give him and knew that intuition could not be ignored. AND IT'S ALL SO CONFUSING. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST CHANGE AND MAKE IT BETTER?
And all of a sudden you meet someone that shows you: IT WAS ALL WORTH IT. YOU WERE RIGHT. It's like a ray of sunshine when you think the sun will never shine again. You get it. You weren't crazy. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW. It doesn't matter how anyone felt, what anyone said, what anyone thought or how anyone judged you... YOU WERE RIGHT. You met someone who showed you the kind of love and happiness that you were looking for all along, without ever really being able to put your finger on what exactly you were looking for. And in return, you are actually able to give that love back in return with a force that you didn't even know was possible. You also have found out, the hard way, who your true friends really are and you love them even more just for that knowledge. At that point, you know, you just KNOW how the course of your life was supposed to go and all of this junk, it's just been an avenue to get you to where you really need to be.
And at the very end of the day, you get to tell this kind of a story, the kind of a story that never gets old, that can always be relived, that fulfills you and sustains you even on the toughest of days. And then you hear that your ex-husband got re-married and you KNOW again, a million times over. You KNOW that you did the right thing. That you are happy, that he is happy and that all of this YUCK in between September 25, 2004 and now doesn't really matter. It's a memory, it sucked, we cried but LOOK AT WHERE WE ARE NOW. IT WAS WORTH IT. We both are exactly where we always needed to be- we are both loved, cherished and have the lives that we both deserve.
And knowing that makes it so that I CAN look past the bad stuff to 5 years ago today and smile. I will always have fond memories of that day. It was such a great day- we were surrounded by tons of family and friends. And we had each other and the thing about us was that throughout the time that we knew each other, we were always the best of friends. It was a relationship that got me through my time at Graceland and my first few years out of college. I am sad that I don't still have that friendship but I am so happy for the memories that I have of it. And THAT, that is why I chose to make this post. Those memories will never die. My Graceland memories will always include him. Significant days, like today, will always make me pause for a second just to remember. I will always cherish him and the memories we made and I hope that, he too, is able to look past all of the crap we went through, the pain that I admittedly but unintentionally caused him, and every once in a while smile at all of the good that we did have.
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