It's not functioning. Or accepting the passage of time.
We are in this weird stage of treatment. I don't even know what you would call it. A transition maybe? From being 110% caregivers, to something lessor. To being in the depths of chemo, to slowly transitioning out. From having massive spreadsheets tracking meds, to being down to just a couple as we are in recovery and slowly, hopefully getting out of the hole in which we lived in for the past 60 days (also why I can't get past the fact that it's no longer July.. or June). There's a lot of talk and speculation about how everything is going to go and look post treatment. I think that ultimately I have decided it's kind of how this whole thing has gone: we are each impacted as individuals, and not one of us will respond in the same way. Some of us may be totally and completely changed and on to our "2nd mountain" per se, others, maybe not. Some of us may just return to things as they were before as if this was just a blip or a cold on the map. It's hard to imagine that, but, possible.
Of course in all of this, there's a bit of anxiety about what happens after this last round of infusions this week. You know: the SCANS. The big deal. Where it is revealed what actually happened and what responded during the treatment. I would say there is definitely a bit of anxiety around this piece. We could easily go down the what if path. What if, what if, what if. What if we are continuing to be one of those cases where the cancer just doesn't let up? What if it hasn't responded? What if we have to do one more round? Then all of a sudden we will be thrown from this in between transition stage from treatment to total recovery, rudely all the way back down to the bottom of the hole. We have to believe and have hope that this is it. We have to believe that the scans are all clear. That we hear the r- word in all its beauty: remission. And after that, we'll pick up, dust ourselves off and start down this new path we've started to blaze. We can't really see what it looks like yet, but we know that somehow, someway, we've come this far to see the light leading us.
Speaking of walking, first up this morning: walk for OG and his mama! It is really good to see him feeling well enough to get behind the camera again.
The boys were up to their normal summer shenanigans. Bennett was convinced that he could ride his bike again. Nope. 3 more weeks kid. So, then he became determined to get on the trainer, after poppy had the brilliant idea in response to his incessance that he could indeed ride. Both kids have been missing our normal summer mountain bike rides. Kind of hard to do when one of us is an injured soldier!
And, then of course, because little bro was doing it, big bro had to be on a trainer too, even though he is perfectly capable of riding NOT on a trainer... And that is how summer goes. They each want what the other has and there has been no end to fights.
The boys and I set off on some errands to give dad some time to do some work around the house. When we got back, Justin and I both had notifications that apparently there was an earthquake IN Fall City at 3pm. Neither of us felt it, but it was 4 miles from us- 2.7. Crazy!
As for the main man, there was more of this today. His buds came over again to keep him company. It was a day full of movies, laughs, and games. As the little boys asked: how come they just sit all day? They should go hiking! Haha! They were totally fascinated by the big boys, though, and kept peeking around the corner at them. At the end of the night, Bennett asked their favorite friend (Nick) if he would come back tomorrow, or maybe even move in? Hilarious.
After dinner, we played a little bit more of 50 million tree limb pick up. Just when you think it's going to end... you find more. PSA: cutting down 20 trees (HUGE TREES!) when you already have 60 million house projects going? What we like to call.. messy chaos. The boys were helping though! They were fascinated by getting to learn how to use the electric saw. If they pick up 5 logs, or raked, then they got to saw a big log....and repeat. By the end of the evening, they had almost the whole trailer pad picked up, so the trailer will get to be moved back down there in the next day or two. Yes! Baby steps of progress.
After showers, mohawks for the little guy. He was disappointed because he actually wanted a BLUE mohawk, but this is the best we could do.
A few more long distance #oliverstrong photos today- first up- from my mom and friends back in Missouri.
And then from my cousin and her husband/kids in Pennsylvania!
...the kiddos being strong for Oliver. Love it, and I know he does too.
Throughout this whole journey, we have 100% gotten through it from the strength of others. For others being willing to chip in and help out, and from sending us strength when we didn't feel like we had any more of our own. I've said it before and will say it again: you know your tribe and then you REALLY know your tribe. And it's surprising to find out just who exactly those people are, and just what they are made of. It's humbling. It's amazing. It's family. It's pure and unfailing love. It's sheer humanity at its best. #oliverstrong.
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