Lately Justin and I have both had multiple conversations with people about how their summers have been and I would be completely remiss (and also lying) if I said that there wasn't some sort of twang of "man that sucks." You chat with people about how their summers have been and hear all about these epic vacations and adventures. As Justin said, "everyone is having the time of their life." It's not really a jealousy, as we have completely accepted our summer for what it is, but it's a bit of a sense of loss. As I've said before: for what should have been versus what is. Perhaps we should be more zen about it, but I think human nature is to feel this a little bit and that's ok. We feel it, we think about the dreams we had for this summer and what our "plans" were, and we then move on- it sucks, but there will be more of that in the future, and hopefully no more cancer. What we did this summer was exactly what we needed to do and was in NO ONE'S plans. We didn't plan to be in the hospital more days than we can count. We didn't plan for Justin to not really work at all. We didn't plan to be here at home all summer without ANY plan for the boys (because the plan was: we would be traveling a lot and Justin watching them when we weren't). We didn't plan for cancer to disrupt our plans. We didn't plan for the muck and the sheer hardness, emotion, pain and work that would ensue. Also, another lesson in that you can't really plan because things can change on a dime. A hard lesson for those of us that think that planning trumps all and want total control in the course.
That said: we made it to August intact. And in late May when all of this started to roll, crashing through even the best laid plans, August seemed to be a different lifetime away. A daunting prospect as we knew the elephant of all hurdles, called chemo, lay in the middle. We had to take each day as it came, never really knowing what we might see in any given day....and anyone who has followed this humble journey knows that there have been several. Perhaps that is the lesson too- versus just getting caught in being forward looking and perpetually looking to the next thing--the next house project, the next vacation, the next win at work-- we should all strive to live more in the now. We all know that. We've all heard that. It's the old cliché. But what if by doing so, and learning more importantly HOW to do so, we've allowed ourselves a different kind of joy than might have been possible otherwise? That might actually be worth more than 1000 vacations to have that perspective going forward. And as we all know, the opposite of pain is joy. So, despite the trials and the hurdles, there have been triumphs. There have been so many moments of joy. And there have been lessons in all of this that are not replaceable. And honestly, it's kind of a sad prospect to think: we could have just carried on without all of these life lessons. We could have had our normal summer, gone on vacations, puttered around the house, done the same old at work. But then, we would have missed out on finding joy in the depths, making memories we wouldn't have otherwise had, conquering some serious fears and overall shifting our perspective on LIFE- LOOK AT HOW FAR WE'VE COME.
Day 56, first day of August! Colleen texted to say that Oliver continues to feel pretty good. Awesome!
Our boys had a play date with Owen's buddy Nolan. They had a blast running and running.... Justin was in charge of the trio while I worked.
Later in the evening: slave labor. AKA: making the kids help clean up. To which Bennett put on the chain saw ear muffs and kept saying "I can't hear you" when we asked him to do something. That one... is special.
East of the mountains, Colleen and Oliver got out for a walk, AND he even broke out his camera. Yes! After the first round, we didn't think that we would ever have a "recovery" period like this. In some ways, it was kind of good to get the really bad round out of the way first.
More fun with snap chats- ha!
Before bedtime, Bennett was distraught about why he has a "bump" on his collarbone now. So, leave it to ingenious dad to find a piece of spaghetti and gum to show him why he will have a bump on the bone, likely forever. Pretty cute. Kids were enthralled. And these are the moments where you say: ok, having kids is so worth it. The other million minutes a day where they are fighting or being punks.... these kind of minutes make up for that. Mostly.
With that, we march right in to August. We didn't have a real vacation this summer, but we had a "vacation." A vacation unlike any other we've ever experienced. It was a time where we had to completely leave ourselves and our life as we had planned it behind to outwardly focus on something totally different that was not planned. After the fact, we'll reflect and grow and all of this stuff that I've been spewing for 56 days: that. We'll take some growth with us, we'll have memories of this experience, we'll leave some things behind-- kind of like when you go on vacation. Except this vacation was called: climbing the mountain of life. #onward #oliverstrong
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