The day of client hell

February 8th.

Into about the 3rd or 4th week of true "busy season madness." A staff and I are scheduled to start on a new client, thankfully not an audit client. But a new client, which always presents interesting challenges in and of itself. I'd met the client before and had seen their stuff and was SUPER excited to be working on the account.

Well.

LET ME JUST SAY. I did not quite anticipate the entertainment I as in for.

The day went sort of like this:

1) Day before we go to the client, I email asking if he's ready. No response. Ok. Well, I talked with him last week so we'll just go and see what happens.

2) On the car ride over- weird, never heard from said client, this could be just a fun road trip...

3) Get there... he's there! He was expecting us. Sweet. He leads us into the conference room and asks if we have questions.

4) Um, maybe getting YOUR INFORMATION to us would be helpful??

5) He comes in with information for 2011, not 2010. NOT helpful.

6)... and then proceeds to tell us to forgive him because he's SUPER hungover today. Ah, that would explained the slurred speech. Perhaps hungover in this case means still drunk?

7) My staff and I then look at each other like, oh shit.

8) He comes back with the 2010 information. With barf on his shirt. Not kidding. He hands us the information, looks down, says OOPS, giggles then walks out.

9) We've upgraded from "oh shit" to "seriously what the fuck?"

10) Information is completely wrong. Makes no sense. Shocking.

11) 2 hours later we are still trying to get correct information out of him. He cannot stop talking about his hangover. He's still slurring. Still swaying. At least he's wiped the barf off his shirt but I'm wondering if he has a flask in his pocket...

12) We have gotten no straight answers all morning...other than why he's hungover (too much wine). Nothing ties. It's wasting our time, to be honest, and we're getting annoyed, though quite amused.

13) In the meantime, the building sounds like it's going to collapse because they are redoing the docks nearby. It feels like a freaking earthquake about every 30 seconds.

14) Seriously starting to wonder if we're in some sort of ridculous reality show. "The life of a CPA..." although, this episode would be quite comical.

15) Oh good, we got something to tie within $200,000. Yes, I just said TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND. Most things were off by millions.

16) We ask him about it. He leaves in the middle of a sentence (that doesn't make much sense anyway). We stare at each other, probably both wondering if he went to yak again.

17) Oh good, 5 minutes later, he's back! Sweet. Ok, to those variances...

18) Just kidding, he needs to take a 20 minute lunch break.

19) Fine. We head out too.

20) We're back in 40 minutes, no sign of him. 2 hours later, still no sign. 2.5 hours later, he's back.

21) We ask how he's feeling after his [20 minute AKA THREE HOUR] lunch, and he said, GREAT! Feel like a CHAMP! A 3 beer lunch always cures the hangover. OH FABULOUS.

22) Did I mention he reeks of alcohol at this point?

23) We can't find agreements for anything, can't tie anything. We ask him about how things are done, you know, since he's 1) The freaking CFO 2) The sole person in control of this freaking multi-million dollar company (SERIOUSLY!!!!) 3) and a freaking owner!! I mean, shit, I am in the WRONG profession... I could do what he does without using .00001 of a brain cell. Oh, yeah, and so his response to how things are done/how things get paid, etc? "Oh, I just wing it." WHAT?!?!?!?

24) So after this, my staff and I are just dying. Trying so hard not to laugh at the absurdity of it all.

25) OH, and did I mention, that our work isn't even REQUIRED?! Usually it's required by a bank or owners or boards of directors. Nope, someone just got the random idea that they just want it, you know, just for the hell of it. Because people like to be audited? I DO NOT KNOW. It's especially fun when NOTHING TIES and you "JUST WING IT."

26) Oh, and right in the middle of F#*$ing busy season when WE HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO.

27) So we are laughing, or actually trying not to laugh. Keep in mind: We are going on about zero sleep and living breathing work for the past 3 weeks straight. Literally, I had not had a day off since we'd gone to Phoenix in mid-January. So we are feeling a little drunk ourselves, but not actually drunk... loopy from way too much work. Meaning: even the stupidest situation would have been funny. This was just flat out HYSTERICAL. So, anyway, still nothing ties. Did I mention that they don't need our services? They just "wing" their accounting (can we put that in our workpapers??) The CFO/majority member has been drunk most of the day and we've seen his barf. And at 2pm, he leaves. Gone. Out. Does he tell us? WHAT DO YOU THINK??

28) An hour after his disappearance, we ask another girl who works there where he went. She says, "who knows but he probably won't be back." NICE TO KNOW, hey, and thanks for the freaking heads up.

29) We leave.

30) Did I mention this was the most absurd client day I've EVER HAD? I mean, TRUST me, I've had some experiences including clients sleeping by my computer when I'm gone, a client talking about a baby shower for his babies (oh, which meant, his WORM FARM), and on and on...stories for another day. Anyway, those were more isolated moments. But this? This whole day was just flat out WEIRD. At multiple times, I had to pinch myself because I actually thought I was having a busy season dream again. NOPE.

After the fact that adds to the comedy, a bit: A) On that day, I got a $130 ticket for running a red light while at lunch. And no, not blatantly. Apparently when you turn right in Seattle you have to stop. STUPID. B) Our client went to a 28 day program shortly following this experience. Apparently he's had a problem for a long time (actually that part is both sad but good in the regard that he got help). And come to think of it, the ticket part was sad too... that SUCKED!

As an update, I've seen since him (since this is being written in March), he's out of the program, MUCH better, and VERY apologetic. Yeah, I would be too. I actually really feel bad for him but am glad that he got the help that he so obviously needed. We start the work again soon... cross your fingers for us that at least this time, things tie. And that there is no barf. You guys know my thing with barf.