Yesterday night I found out that one of our friends in college was in a very bad car accident on the way to work, so bad that the last I heard was serious or critical condition. I wasn’t extremely close to this person but the way that things work when you go to a small school or live in a small town is that everyone and everything is relatively close. Graceland is such a tight knit community that you find yourself making connections with people just solely because you experienced Graceland at one point or another, not necessarily because you knew someone while you were AT Graceland. I have already decided after being out of Lamoni for 4 years that I will probably experience this “Graceland connection” thing with people I have never met for the rest of my life. That’s how prevalent it’s been even in just the past 4 years when I’ve lived in places no where even close to Iowa. And while you are at Graceland, you basically know everything about everyone and vice versa. It’s just the nature of a small, closely knit campus and community. It’s actually pretty cool. I could not and would not ever choose to live in a small town again but I am glad for the college experience I had in one.
In these types of communities, news spreads. People are aware. When stuff was going on in my personal life, I was irritated and annoyed by the fact that everyone seemed to KNOW. I got several phone calls of “I heard this…,” “Is it true?” And I would sit there baffled… how does someone in Texas, New York, Iowa, wherever know about very personal details about my life in Arizona?? But, like I said, it’s just the nature.
Needless to say, I did hear relatively quickly about the news of this friend yesterday. I don’t need to go into graphic details here or to say how horrible it is because 1) I don’t think it’s the forum to discuss intricate details and 2) saying how horrible it is would be just redundant and obvious.
I can say that when stuff like this happens… to anyone, in any form… it really makes you think about what’s important in life. That sounds sappy but it is true. I mean how crazy is it to think that one second you’re driving along to work and the next second you are about this close to not ever going to work again? You don’t ever think that anything like this will happen to you or to anyone you know but when it does hit close to home, it’s kind of like someone takes you by the shoulders, shakes you hard and yells in your face, “WAKE UP! LIVE! Life is short! Be aware!” It kind of makes you evaluate or re-evaluate your life just to make sure that every moment you’re living now is the moment that you want it to be and that every person in your life now knows how much they mean to you. It also makes you kind of let go or just realize that some of the small things you sometimes dwell on (ahem, CPA exam) are not really that important in the grand scheme.
In the past two years my life has gone through some significant transformations. I have never really discussed my feelings about anything on this website mainly because the feelings were too raw and too personal to share in a format like this. It just didn’t seem right. Plus, there have been many, many people that have disagreed with my actions and the path that I decided to take. To talk about why I made some of the choices I made here seemed to be just an extended form of an argument with all of these people who either didn’t agree with me, didn’t support me, or flat out thought I was wrong, rude, ignorant, whatever the descriptive words were… and I know there were plenty floating around. Needless to say these people aren’t really in my life anymore. I guess I could use the same descriptions on them but it isn’t really worth my time. It has always amused me, though, that these people, the least supportive and the ones no longer in my life, were also the least invovled and unaware of the situation. They just judged. The people who did support me got me through it and as much as other people don’t want to believe it, it was hard for me and to just say it that simply is the only way I can say it because I can never fully explain to anyone what form of hell it was like in much of the process… for the past two years up through changing my life so drastically to move to Seattle.
There were days I wanted to turn the clock back so far it felt like I would have to go back to second grade to get things right again. At the time, two years ago, I felt like I was fighting for the greater good, without anyone supporting me or understanding that I wasn’t just crazy. I tried to do everything with some form of grace but I know that I failed miserably in that respect. It just doesn’t happen like that. I cannot look back and say that I was always proud of who I was at the time, only that I tried to do everything in a way that was both respectful and graceful. Some people do not understand and to these people I can only say how very sorry I am. I never set out to hurt anyone in the way that I did. I am hopeful that someday it all makes sense and people do not see me for the hurt that I caused but instead that I really was doing what was best for me and what I thought was the best for everyone involved.
The point of all this is that horrible events like what happened to this guy I knew in college do make you evaluate your life. I am a living testament to the fact that if something isn’t working in your life, if something doesn’t feel right or if you are not ultimately happy, you can and you have to do something about it. It is hard. It is still hard for me… two years later. You do live with the decisions you make. But if you make the right ones and learn from the missteps, it’s worth it. Today I live in Seattle. Today I know that making the tough decisions got me here, to a better place, to a place where I feel independent, strong, loved, and most importantly happy. It is not always easy but when you encounter the fact that life really is so short you must make the decisions to get your life to the point that it should be… and now.
There is no excuse to stay in a situation just because that’s what everyone else thinks you should do or it makes sense in a variety of ways except the one most important to you… the one where you feel right about it. Life is too short to just sit around hoping things will happen to you or that things will get better and you’ll just magically start to feel happy. You have to just get out there and make what you want out of your life to enjoy it to its fullest. I did. And I walk around now knowing that it is possible to feel happy, to feel confident in choices, to not feel like there has to be any defense of the decisions made and in that respect, to not really care so much about what other people think because you know deep down you did the best you could, with the choices you made in the circumstances you had. At the end of the day you feel peace about your life and that you are where you are supposed to be. And that’s really what it’s all about.
In the meantime, just say a little prayer, do meditation, chant a mantra, throw some good thoughts out to the universe- whatever you do- to my friend from Graceland across the country. I sincerely hope he will be ok.
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