Scratching. Like. A. F-ing. Dog. Or worse.

I am scratching every piece of skin off of my body. Literally.

I need someone to come tie my hands together. And then please just rip every little bit of skin off my body so it STOPS ITCHING. Trust me, it won't hurt. It is numb to hurting after being red and inflamed from being scratched so much.

I have perpetually dry skin. Always have had it. Which I somehow neglected to forget about in between Iowa and Washington. You would have expected that I would have had dry skin in Phoenix but nope, in Phoenix I thought it would be fun to spend my time trying to give myself skin cancer (aka tanning non stop... probably not funny if I ever do get skin cancer...) so for whatever reason my skin was somewhat moisturized there.

Here I have no freckles after 3 years of freckles and am so white that sometimes I scare myself especially when I wake up and it's dark and my skin is glowing. It's that white.

And my skin is. so. DRY! It's not even flaky dry. Just dry as in it freaking itches.

It just started 3 days ago but please look back at my last post (aka... I have no life but work). I haven't had much time to even go to the grocery store. How would I make it to buy specialty lotion!? So for three days I have been itching my skin off, then taking scalding showers (which actually do hurt) to try to make. the. madness. stop. It would all be solved if I just took the time to go even just to Walgreens and buy just a bottle of like Jergen's or something with the title of "For super, super, super, super dry skin. Even works on reptiles." I know there is something I used to buy like that. But that was also in Iowa and things are generally a little bit off in Iowa.

The worst part about it is the itching in public. I mean, I have SO. MUCH. of my yummy smelling lotion on. But do I really want to go through a whole bottle of not exactly cheap lotion in oh, a day? Not really. I almost did today (which is how I know how much I used). But even with all of that lotion, about halfway through the day, I. am. dying. I am sitting there talking with my client and for anyone who has ever dealt with a perpetual itch or dry skin issue, do you even KNOW how hard it is to not itch? But you can't just DO that. Come on! You run to the bathroom, itch the hell out of your leg, arm, whatever, and then glob about 2 gallons more of lotion on. Only to repeat the process in an hour.

I think tomorrow this has to end. My skin is no longer white but red. And I am driving myself insane. Either I'm going to Walgreens or I am hiring someone to tie my hands together. But then, since apparently I need to work, I guess the Walgreens route is probably more efficient... I don't know how my client would feel about me arriving in handcuffs or tied up tomorrow, either. Actually they would probably get a kick out of that. An auditor all tied up? I'm sure that most clients may have had vivid dreams at some point about tying down the auditors... especially for the week out of the year where we make their life a not so pleasant experience.

Tis the season... the busy season.

Was up at 4 this morning. Have been at the office at 6am for the past three days. Have worked late at night for the past two nights. Just found out today that another manager in my department at work is taking an indefinite leave of absence in oh, um, a week and a half. I don't really need to touch on anything that involves the words bad and timing. I feel awful for him but it will serve to make all of us much, much busier... as if we aren't all busy already.

I do like the beginning of the season... I don't mind the long hours and the tough work... especially on the fun clients. It's a few weeks to a month in when you're sick of long hours, tough work, work on Saturdays, dreaming of work, emails at midnight, getting confused on which client is which because you have about 20 open that you're trying to juggle. That's when it gets to be somewhat of a drag. It generally isn't too bad... even though I know I complain. But if it was absolutely the worst thing in the world, I guess I wouldn't have stayed in this profession for this many years. It is hard, though.

I think in some ways it's harder on the people closest to you... family, friends, kids if you have them (not me!) It's also hard to juggle the everyday life stuff... it's the time of year where you have slight amnesia about everything NOT involving work. Paying bills, reconciling checkbooks, buying groceries, going to the cleaners, cleaning house, doing laundry. It all kind of becomes a last minute thought and gets a bit neglected. I've already sort of started to do this during the course of this week. It only gets really annoying when you wake up one morning a month or so in and realize that you have absolutely zero clothes to wear... nor do you have any toilet paper... nor do you have any pet food... nor have you eaten a meal at home or not on the run in oh, about a month.

Cheers to the next three months... breathe in and GO!

Stupid, stupid cars.

I had to take Winston in to the mechanic Tuesday. I was overdue for an oil change and he has been making a rather obnoxious noise when I shift into first gear. My friend up here has an audi S4 and knows a mechanic who specializes in European cars. He is so in love with his car that I really trust the person he takes it to. So I called this mechanic and took my car in on Tim's day off. It was rather a long haul because the mechanic is all the way up in North Seattle... and slightly in the ghetto, I might add.

Anyway, the dude was really cool. But I get "the" call the next day. Winston got his oil changed. Sweet. He also might have a couple of leaks. Groan. Ok. And he needs a new clutch. GRRROOAAN. How much is that? I'm told that it takes TWELVE hours to put a new clutch into mini coopers (and we called the dealer to verify) so twelve hours at $100 an hour PLUS the parts. Do the math. It's freaking stupid.

I opted not to do the clutch. Stupid, maybe but when we called the dealer to verify the hours, we also got a quote and it was quoted only a few hundred dollars more... for someone who works on minis everyday (not every single European car). So we considered just taking it to the dealer.

Well, we go to pick up Winston with just having had the oil change done and we find out that a) they aren't even sure that he's leaking from those two leaks that we "had to replace" according to them. They tell us when we get there that it's actually pretty hard to tell. There is "just dirt collected on some of the parts that could indicate a potential leak. But at best a slow leak." HUH?! Um, ok. Cool I guess. And we find out that b) The clutch does not have to be replaced at all right now. [Awesome to know after I almost died of a heart attack when I got quoted the entire price and literally looked into whether or not putting $3k into my car right now was even worth it...] Apparently the clutch is not even slipping and they don't even freaking know if the noise is the clutch or not. The only way they would find out is to just spend twelve hours to get in there and at that point they might as well just replace the clutch. But there is nothing to indicate that the clutch is bad or even remotely close to being bad at this point in time. Makes sense, right?

I mean, it was good for me but COME. ON.

THEN, THEN!! This is the part where I really get pissed off and I don't even know why it pisses me off so much. The day after I pick my car up, I'm at the clients getting my computer bag out of my trunk. I notice that instead of my chrome license plate frame, instead I have a f-ing black. license. plate. frame. with the name and number of the stupid ass auto shop I just took Winston to! They. didn't. even. f-ing. ask. But NOW! Now, my car is a freaking driving advertisement to these dumb asses who just slapped it on without even asking me!

I THOUGHT they just put their stupid frame on the back of my car but nope! Tim and I were out to dinner last night and he pointed out that I also have a lovely (aka f-ing piece of shit) stupid dealer advertisement surrounding my front license plate (which happens to be the BMW dealer plate). And I have no clue where my chrome frames went. They just jacked them and put these stupid plastic retarded ones on.

I mean, someone please tell me who f-ing does that!? Without ASKING!? I mean, seriously people, next time don't change how my car looks. Just fix it! Or if you really want me to consider advertising for you, just give me a sticker or something. And not a sticker that you replace my GU alumni sticker with. A sticker that I can take myself and just throw away. Similar to what I would have done if I had been given these stupid frames.

They are so ugly and make Winston look so ghetto that I am worried I am going to get pulled over. Which is not great considering that my tags expire from Arizona in 13 days. And to get the title transferred to WA takes 2 weeks. I'm basically screwed with that whole thing. Not sure why I put that off till the last minute. And no, I am not interested in thinking about how much time I had up here to take care of that because the truth is that I didn't.

Needless to say, first thing on the to-do list is to find a freaking screwdriver, get new frames and take these stupid ugly frames off Winston. And stat. And then I really need to call the Arizona DMV.

And funny thing about the noise he was making that I initially took him in for? He hasn't made it in two days. Cars are just a pain in my ass.

Random quote of the day...

As promised. You know who you are.

"In love there is always madness but within madness there is always reason."

The art of bodywork

Tim's mom is a massage therapist/Bowen practitioner. She has routinely done bodywork on me... She always tells me how much she loves to do it and of course, I happily oblige to let her practice on me.

Mostly she has done Bowen on me which is a form of energy work. I actually really, really love Bowen. I like the whole mind-body connection thing though so it always works really well for me. I don't know that it would always affect people this same way. Not meaning that it wouldn't be effective, but I think that the more intuitive you are, the better it works. It's kind of a more holistic approach to healing the body with the thought that the body is capable of healing itself, especially when it's given movements that redirect energy to allow it to align in the way that it wants to and is supposed to. It's not like massage or acupuncture or any sort of body work that uses pressure or manipulation. It's just gentle, subtle moves that affect your body surprisingly more than any massage I've ever gotten. It's pretty astounding.

The other night instead of Bowen, Liz opted to give me a massage. I will say right now that I like Bowen better but the massage was amazing. I would not say something if I didn't mean it and hands down, it was the best massage I've ever gotten. Along with the massage and Bowen nights always come really good, candid conversations. This night was no different. After finishing a pretty phenomenal dinner (stuffed peppers) I got the benefits of bodywork, Liz got to practice on me for an hour and a half and we had great conversations.

I would highly recommend that anyone having problems with their body- whether it's physical pain or something deeper or even nothing at all- take the time to get some bodywork done. I am truly a believer in taking care of your body from what goes in (nutrition), what is exerted (exercise, yoga), and how you take care of it (bodywork, staying away from artificial things that can harm it, etc). I think that getting a massage, acupuncture, and especially Bowen can really benefit everyone.

A productive Saturday

It's one of my two last free Saturdays before busy season- possibly the last one, given I have an audit starting next week- and I had it all to myself. It has been so much fun... well, at least fun in terms of feeling very productive.

-Woke up.
-Watched CNN for a half an hour just to get my fill of the latest election info as well as economy info since the past two weeks I've been MIA. In between study sessions I barely managed to see the results of the Iowa and New Hampshire caucuses.
-Showered.
-Checked email, responded to emails. Finally.
-Stopped at Starbucks
-Shopping. Had to buy things that I had run out of over the course of the past two weeks but had not had time to run and do. This included groceries, makeup, etc. Kind of essential stuff. I also made a stop to get treats for the kittens. I bought organic treats. Apparently they don't like organic. It was kind of funny but I felt bad.
-Came home and cleaned my whole place. I mean like deep cleaning. It needed it. I love a clean house more than anything.
-Did laundry.
-Organized my whole closet. I have a rather large bag of clothes for goodwill. This took like 3 hours.
-Watched the Seahawks lose to the Packers in between organizing and cleaning.
-Posted on my blog.

And it's now it's 5pm... Time to enjoy the night. Hope everyone had a happy Saturday!

Ah....

I had a very vivid dream last night that I was lying on some beach (Hawaii, maybe? Cali?), in a bikini, soaking up the sun, walking around in flip flops. It was one of those dreams that just kind of sticks with you throughout the next day.

I don't think this was a sign that I need a vacation or anything... the thing that was most prevalent in the dream was how warm and nice the sun felt. I think it needs to be about 80 and sunny here today... I wonder how likely that is.... So far, no sun. And about 50. Probably not going to happen.

Maybe tomorrow? Or maybe I'll just have to keep dreaming... until about July. Unless I make a trip back to Phoenix before then. Hmmm...

Not always wanting to talk about the serious stuff... but here we go.

Yesterday night I found out that one of our friends in college was in a very bad car accident on the way to work, so bad that the last I heard was serious or critical condition. I wasn’t extremely close to this person but the way that things work when you go to a small school or live in a small town is that everyone and everything is relatively close. Graceland is such a tight knit community that you find yourself making connections with people just solely because you experienced Graceland at one point or another, not necessarily because you knew someone while you were AT Graceland. I have already decided after being out of Lamoni for 4 years that I will probably experience this “Graceland connection” thing with people I have never met for the rest of my life. That’s how prevalent it’s been even in just the past 4 years when I’ve lived in places no where even close to Iowa. And while you are at Graceland, you basically know everything about everyone and vice versa. It’s just the nature of a small, closely knit campus and community. It’s actually pretty cool. I could not and would not ever choose to live in a small town again but I am glad for the college experience I had in one.

In these types of communities, news spreads. People are aware. When stuff was going on in my personal life, I was irritated and annoyed by the fact that everyone seemed to KNOW. I got several phone calls of “I heard this…,” “Is it true?” And I would sit there baffled… how does someone in Texas, New York, Iowa, wherever know about very personal details about my life in Arizona?? But, like I said, it’s just the nature.

Needless to say, I did hear relatively quickly about the news of this friend yesterday. I don’t need to go into graphic details here or to say how horrible it is because 1) I don’t think it’s the forum to discuss intricate details and 2) saying how horrible it is would be just redundant and obvious.

I can say that when stuff like this happens… to anyone, in any form… it really makes you think about what’s important in life. That sounds sappy but it is true. I mean how crazy is it to think that one second you’re driving along to work and the next second you are about this close to not ever going to work again? You don’t ever think that anything like this will happen to you or to anyone you know but when it does hit close to home, it’s kind of like someone takes you by the shoulders, shakes you hard and yells in your face, “WAKE UP! LIVE! Life is short! Be aware!” It kind of makes you evaluate or re-evaluate your life just to make sure that every moment you’re living now is the moment that you want it to be and that every person in your life now knows how much they mean to you. It also makes you kind of let go or just realize that some of the small things you sometimes dwell on (ahem, CPA exam) are not really that important in the grand scheme.

In the past two years my life has gone through some significant transformations. I have never really discussed my feelings about anything on this website mainly because the feelings were too raw and too personal to share in a format like this. It just didn’t seem right. Plus, there have been many, many people that have disagreed with my actions and the path that I decided to take. To talk about why I made some of the choices I made here seemed to be just an extended form of an argument with all of these people who either didn’t agree with me, didn’t support me, or flat out thought I was wrong, rude, ignorant, whatever the descriptive words were… and I know there were plenty floating around. Needless to say these people aren’t really in my life anymore. I guess I could use the same descriptions on them but it isn’t really worth my time. It has always amused me, though, that these people, the least supportive and the ones no longer in my life, were also the least invovled and unaware of the situation. They just judged. The people who did support me got me through it and as much as other people don’t want to believe it, it was hard for me and to just say it that simply is the only way I can say it because I can never fully explain to anyone what form of hell it was like in much of the process… for the past two years up through changing my life so drastically to move to Seattle.

There were days I wanted to turn the clock back so far it felt like I would have to go back to second grade to get things right again. At the time, two years ago, I felt like I was fighting for the greater good, without anyone supporting me or understanding that I wasn’t just crazy. I tried to do everything with some form of grace but I know that I failed miserably in that respect. It just doesn’t happen like that. I cannot look back and say that I was always proud of who I was at the time, only that I tried to do everything in a way that was both respectful and graceful. Some people do not understand and to these people I can only say how very sorry I am. I never set out to hurt anyone in the way that I did. I am hopeful that someday it all makes sense and people do not see me for the hurt that I caused but instead that I really was doing what was best for me and what I thought was the best for everyone involved.

The point of all this is that horrible events like what happened to this guy I knew in college do make you evaluate your life. I am a living testament to the fact that if something isn’t working in your life, if something doesn’t feel right or if you are not ultimately happy, you can and you have to do something about it. It is hard. It is still hard for me… two years later. You do live with the decisions you make. But if you make the right ones and learn from the missteps, it’s worth it. Today I live in Seattle. Today I know that making the tough decisions got me here, to a better place, to a place where I feel independent, strong, loved, and most importantly happy. It is not always easy but when you encounter the fact that life really is so short you must make the decisions to get your life to the point that it should be… and now.

There is no excuse to stay in a situation just because that’s what everyone else thinks you should do or it makes sense in a variety of ways except the one most important to you… the one where you feel right about it. Life is too short to just sit around hoping things will happen to you or that things will get better and you’ll just magically start to feel happy. You have to just get out there and make what you want out of your life to enjoy it to its fullest. I did. And I walk around now knowing that it is possible to feel happy, to feel confident in choices, to not feel like there has to be any defense of the decisions made and in that respect, to not really care so much about what other people think because you know deep down you did the best you could, with the choices you made in the circumstances you had. At the end of the day you feel peace about your life and that you are where you are supposed to be. And that’s really what it’s all about.

In the meantime, just say a little prayer, do meditation, chant a mantra, throw some good thoughts out to the universe- whatever you do- to my friend from Graceland across the country. I sincerely hope he will be ok.

I have so much to write about...once I can think again.

I spent the better part of my day today taking the financial accounting part of the CPA exam and the better part of the last two weeks studying for it. Two seconds ago I almost forgot how to spell financial accounting because my brain is so over trying to function at a high capacity. It was so over it that I basically crashed... hard... after the exam today.

Last night at around 11pm when I was getting ready to go to bed after studying for about 15 hours Saturday and at least 8 Sunday and yesterday, it occurred to me that 1)I might try to find a new profession if I don't pass this part of the exam solely because I do not think that I want to give up any more effort and large time periods of my life studying for stuff like debt securities, that honestly, I could care less about. I am an accountant but knowing stuff like that (times about 200 in 400 different subjects) is not. my. job. Why don't the people at the cpa exam get this?! Oh course I will finish (mom). I just hope to god I pass. 2) It also occurred to me that I might be slightly jealous of computers. I mean if I could just download all of this stuff into my brain in about 2 minutes it would be much more time efficient. And I'd never forget it. Hmmm...

I'll write more later.

Happy New Year!

Hope everyone had a safe and happy last day of 2007 and first day of 2008...

Quote of the day today, explaining my first day of 2008: "What? I only drove head on into traffic for a little bit."